I can feel it.

So many shifts already.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

Digging deep into the darkest corners.

Places that hurt.  That have been long covered.

Places that in the digging have brought tears.

Tears of a pain that aches so bad at times I want to cry out in agony.

But after the pain.  

The healing.

The salt from my tears washes clean those dark places.

Breaks them open to the light of TRUTH.

I am facing my shadows.

And I am scared out of my mind most of the time.

But I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

I am feeling.

I am experiencing.

I am HEALING.

Moment to Moment.

I am.

I can feel her.

Moving, Speaking, Dancing, Laughing, Crying, Loving

THROUGH ME.

My tears turn into a battle cry.

Because that's where I am.

I am in a battle with FEAR.

The Unknown.  The Lies.  The perceptions.

My inner world is being shaken down and is being reflected outside of me.

I CAN FEEL IT.

It's hard and it hurts.

And it's GLORIOUS.

THE ENERGY IS MOVING.

Places that were stuck are starting to flow, like snow melting into streams.

AND I CAN SEE HER.

MY SOUL.

MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

AND SHE IS SO BRIGHT THAT SHE EXPLODES EVERYTHING AROUND HER INTO STARDUST.

And I know that I am going to be better than okay. 

Better than fine.

I am going to step into exactly who I am.

I will always survive.

I will heal and tell my story.

My journey for all to hear.

I will help them remember.

Moment to Moment.

To never forget who they are.

Who they always have been.

Who I always have been.

You Are.

Time.

It passes.  No matter what we do it always passes.  

It has been a season of releasing.  Of letting go.  And sitting in the stillness of what is.

A dear friend lost her father a few weeks ago.  How something like that can hit you out of the blue.  So many tears shed and blessings poured out onto her and her family in this time of  transition.  

My own release.  

Working to release what doesn't serve me.  

Old thought patterns that drain instead of uplift.

Old energy.  Dragging the proverbial skeletons out of the closet and given them a ritual throwin' out.

It is not an easy or pain free process.

But it is necessary.

Working on not running from discomfort.

But learning to sit with it.  To lean into it.  

To look my fears in the face and embrace them.

Embrace myself.  

With kindness and compassion.

To love myself for all the spaces that I lack and the times when I falter.

Especially for those times.  Because those are the times when it is needed most.

The "new year" is coming.

Shifting.  And change.  

Feeling it.

So in the spirit of the stillness that comes before the doors to a new year are flung wide open.

I finish here for now with this.

Not a resolution.

But a promise to myself.

"Dear Self.  I promise that whatever comes this year, EVERYTHING will be okay.  The joys and 

triumphs.  The lessons and stumbles.  

YOU ARE SUPPORTED.

  YOU ARE LOVED.

  YOU ARE 

WRAPPED IN THE EVER PRESENT LIGHT THAT IS ALWAYS WITHIN YOU.

YOU ARE STRONG.

YOU ARE A GODDESS."

"For I have been with you since the beginning..."

 -the Charge of the Goddess

-

Separate but Parallel.

The weather is changing.

Cool, crisp, golden sunlight mornings.

The first thrill of autumn coming to rest lightly on the world.

My life is changing too.

I've spent the last few weeks on my own.

Separate.

Separate but still in contact with him.  

For our daughter.  At first.  Then some heart felt conversations sprang forth from the chaos.  Realizations that he is having.  About himself.  About us.  About life.  Trying to put the wheels in motion to re-create himself.  To seek out those dark places inside and shed the beautiful light and love of the universe onto them.  Even when it hurts.   Even when it's hard.

Necessary change.

It will be a long time coming if ever and only time will tell, but...a little ribbon of hope has been discovered floating in this autumn wind.

Through major healing.  On my part.  On his part.  Speaking to wise sages who've tread the path we walk.  Who can impart wisdom.  Time apart and space.  Freedom to discover who we are.

We will walk this road.  Separate but parallel.  

And see where we end up.

Trusting the process.  The healing elixir of time.

Blessings to you all and a very Happy Belated Autumn Equinox.

 

It must be the end of the road.

I am going through huge shifts in my life right now.

Everything has changed.

I am now looking at a whole new universe and I just feel overwhelmed.

And for some reason tonight I just feel numb.

I have gone through about 50 bajillion different emotions about it all.

I have been having trouble sleeping.  Which has never been a problem for me.

I don't remember my dreams, but I wake feeling not rested, like I spent all night running.

I don't know when all this will change.  And I will find a new normal.  But for now it's disorienting, liberating, and exhausting.

But I will keep on going.  I will find that new normal.  Because I deserve happiness.  I deserve to live free.  To be myself.  To live from my heart.  And to never ever again settle for less.

"It must be the end of the road.  It must be the end of you and I and forever too.  I'm walking the last bridge alone.  I'm giving up on the good times and the bad we knew."  --Me, Myself and I by: Hanson

I Remember.

Never Let Me Go. 

(open this in an additional window and listen.)

Stream of Consciousness Writing from my journal this morning.

 I Remember.

 I feel awakened.

To live a Spirit filled joyous life.

 Shift your perspective.

 Fill each moment with joy and light and happiness.

 Dance out your emotions.

 LIVE FREE.

 You were ALWAYS FREE.

 You just had to REMEMBER.

 You have ALWAYS been you.

 You have ALWAYS been a Goddess.

 You have ALWAYS been in that ecstatic state.

 Love, Freedom, Joy, Spirit. Have ALWAYS been yours.

 You just needed to REMEMBER.

 No once can hold you down.

 No one has power over you.

 You are a Warrior Goddess.

 You do not have to live shackled.

 You are delivered.

 YOU ARE FREE.

A Human BE-ing.

Have been riding the wave of many ups and downs of late. Some emotional turbulence and some crests of joy. All my own. All my story. All my journey. Today I am taking for myself. For healing. Healing of my body, my mind, my heart. Layla turned 3 this past week. And I have sweet, precious photos to share. And they will come soon. But for today I am taking the time out to BE. Be here with myself right now. I will post again very soon. But for now here is my to do list. Slow down. Let go. Get outside. Read. Rest. Relax. Breathe. Fill up my inner gas tank. Be Happy. Be Blessed. Be Grateful. I Am Enough. Love and Blessings.

Busy Livin' :)

:) Hey guys. I'm still here. Just busy doing lots of this. I'll post an update soon. But for now it's back to that little girl, that smile on my face and summertime!