Uprooted.

"I let go.

I let flow.

I remember what a gift this is.

I surrender.

All my silly worries and fears

They no longer serve."

-Peace and Love-

by: Cora Flora

Breathing.  All I want to do is fill my soul with love.  And extend love into all that I see.

These last few months have been waves of change in my life.  Now in my own home. 

My first house.

My life in boxes.  Still waiting to be unpacked and put in their place.

To be expressed.

A soul sanctuary of nourishment.  of joy. of bliss. of peace.

After years of living in chaos with people that I loved but that didn't  nourish my soul.

I still feel a bit unraveled.  Still packed away inside the boxes of things that are my belongings.

Myself packed away.

Ready to flow open.  To "integrate my soul".

Listening to the music of my heart. 

Cora Flora is so lovely.

If you don't know who she is, check her out here.

I flow in and out of this space as I am called.  I would love to be here more.

I haven't even written in my own personal journal since I moved.

I needed this moment to express my heart, where I am right now.

I have been feeling very pulled apart inside.  Not rooted.

Which I am sure is to be expected given the circumstances. 

I find myself getting short with those I love.  Saying things hurtful.  Being cold.

And it breaks my heart every time I do it.

Lashing out the ugliness that I feel for myself on the inside at time.

"Not enough."  "Not good enough."  "Do More." "Be More."  

"You could be so much better if you would just be this."

I have let my self love fall to the side during this process.

Instead of resting when I'm tired.  I press on unpacking, urged on by perfectionism.

Instead of taking care of my body, stretching, sweating, eating food that truly FUELS and FILLS my body and soul, I eat things that are spiritually bereft and nutritionally dead.

And I am left feeling as such.

You truly are what you consume.

Mentally, Physically, Spiritually, and Energetically.

My word of 2014 was something I stumbled on about a month or so ago, a little while after the new year but perfectly resonant none the less.

My word for this year is

BRAVE.

Not the bravado parading around as though nothing can cut her down.

Real, COURAGE.

The transparency and vulnerability that comes with being truly BRAVE.

AUTHENTICITY.

OPENNESS.

TRUTH.

LIVING YOUR PASSION...YOUR FIRE...YOUR GODDESS SELF OUT LOUD.

LIVING WILDLY.

BEING TRULY.

WHO YOU ARE.

And I find that when the ego side of myself comes out.  The hateful words.  The thoughts that would eviscerate someone's sense of self worth.  That I would never dream of saying to another person.  They sneak out in little moments when I am most doubtful of my TRUE INFINITE POTENTIAL.

I am learning to embrace those parts too.

The dark shadowy places of myself that seem a little harder to love.

Like a discouraged child, who really just wants to be held.

To be seen and accepted.

Integrating all parts of ME.

This is an never ending journey.

And I desire to live truly as me every step of the way.

The Story of A Year.

 

As the year is surely winding down, the inward reflection begins.

When this year began I was in a very different place.

A place of transition.

Of not knowing which end was up.

My heart was still deeply raw and hurt.

A wound bleeding out that had yet to begin to heal.

Soul shaking fear that at times felt all consuming as if it would swallow me down and never let me go.

At this time last year,  I could not see.

I could not see the blessing...the growth that was taking place.

What this fear, this visceral reaction happening in my body.

My soul was literally forcing me to sit up and face my emotions.

It was as if my guides, my Spirit was working through me, even though my ego wanted so badly to run.

My Soul would not let me.  It forced me to stay present.  

In my body.

To FEEL.

And it hurt.  It broke my heart.  I felt vulnerable.

Too exposed to the harshness of my emotions.

Afraid of what was in them if I let myself dig my hands in and unearth them.

Afraid that if I let those emotions in, let them loose, they would shake me until I broke into a million pieces, never to be put together again.

I remember saying, "If I let the flood gate open, I may never be able to shut it again."

Little did I know then, that is exactly what would happen.

The thing about holding back the rushing water of emotions, it will eventually burst forth.

There IS no stopping it.

You may be able to hold it bay for a while but it will inevitably break down any futile walls you have constructed and like a salty oceans tide cleanse everything it touches.

The dam broke.

All my trying to hold it together faltered.

And the tide rushed in.

And it broke me.

The heart wrenching sobs, the animal screams, the deep wells of sorrow and anger and hurt, they came forth.

They are STILL coming forth from time to time.

And I have never been able to shut that floodgate again.

And I never want to.

I never want to bottle my heart again.

I never want to lock my soul, my truth away ever again.

She is beautiful.

She is me.

She is the me that I had to find the courage to be.

And I am still becoming her all the time.

A year ago at this time, I was living in constant fear of being seen.

And now

the gate is flung wide open.

And it is messy.

It is real.

I have been seen.

I have been loved.

I am my truth.

I am She.

Feeling.

Here.

Raw emotion.  I have been here.  and there. and everywhere.

In sound and in silence.

Waves of feeling.  High tide and low.  And I have been doing my best to ride them.  At times floating, and others fighting drowning.  

These feelings.  These emotions.  My empathy.  I feel so much, my heart could burst.

I feel so much joy.  So much richness and gratitude.  

And I feel deep wells of pain.  

Myself and of others.

As if I have stepped into the whisper of light around someones skin, their aura and am feeling whatever they are.  Vibrating at the crescendo of connected happiness and love or the lonely cry in the emptiness of sadness.

And it's all beautiful.  And real.  But all intense in it's own unique way.

There are moments where my heart feels dry and crumbled as if with the slightest brush of fingertips it would fall to dust like pages of an old book left to turn to ash.

And other moments where my body, my mind my soul feel so fluid, lush and free that I could float suspended in that delicious moment eternally.

I am here.  I am feeling.  I am processing.  I am present.  

I am letting go of shoulds.  And holding onto now.  Breathing in life.  Living in now.  Releasing then and when.  

Just now. 

 Just here.

  Just me.

I want to be here more. 

 To share like this more.

Open.  Here.  Now.

Finding a Moment to Live.

Hello.

:)

More to come soon.

Busy living.

Breathing in such a different, raw, real space.

I want to share so much and will so very soon.

So much love to anyone who wanders here.  I am here.  Waiting to find a moment to spill my truth, the goings on of my daily life in this space.

Until then.

So much love.

I am still here.

I'm still here.

Been flowing in and out of this space, in and out of the ebb and flow of life.

Breathing deep and letting what is be what is.

I think I am going to refer to 2013 as my Year of Challenge.

Because that is what has been happening.

A challenge.

The gauntlet has been thrown down at my feet again and again.

Sometimes daily.

And life has asked me to rise up.

Rise up, and meet each challenge.

And I have had a choice to stand, and meet each one head on or run.

And there are days, when everything in me screams to RUN.  To RETREAT.

  To TAKE THE EASY ROAD.

But...then my Spirit, my Soul, my Inner Voice...

nudges me and says...."Rise...Rise my daughter."

"There is a well in you, deeper than you can fathom.  A light so bright it SHATTERS the darkness.  Remember who you are.  And Rise.  Meet the darkness.  For when you do it will flee in the face of your BRILLIANCE.

And so each time I rise.

And sometimes, it's simply a quiet, "I will try again."

And other times, it's a ROAR from deep within the ancient recesses of my beginning.

A roar of "I AM!" claiming my presence.

And the fear is still there.

It's there, floating around me.

But we are no longer at war, fear and I.

Fear has been my teacher.

My guide.

My map through the forest of inauthenticity.

It has been what has shook me awake.

That this is not the time for being faint of heart.

Fear has been the call to take up my bow and arrow and shoot straight into the heart of that darkness.

To shatter it with the brilliance of truth.

Exploding it into a million pieces of stardust.

I thought fear was my enemy.

But it was my soul telling me.

"You can do this."

"You have it within you to move mountains with your loving heart, to shake the earth with your pounding feet in the dance of joy, to fill all the oceans with your tears of vulnerability and truth.

You have it in you to be everything you've been searching for all along.

I am still here.

I have always been here.

I always will be.

 

Just Me.

I feel like me today. 

 The real authentic me.

  And I love her so.

  I love even the inauthentic parts. 

 The parts where I pretend.

  And I hide.

  But today I am really me.

  I am remembering things that I love. 

 Things that I loved when I was a teenager.

  People who inspire me.

  I am realizing somethings today as well.

  That I am an awesome person.

  Not in a "big headed way."  But that for so many years, of abuse and bullshit and feeling so low and losing that spark inside that made me ME.

  I listened to those ugly projective voices. 

 And I have been in it of late in the last few months.

  Digging.  Searching for her again.

  And she's always been here underneath even if I wander in aimless circles searching for her.

  Making apologies for letting her come out to play.

 FUCK THAT.

  I hate that. 

 I am sick of apologizing for her, the real me.

If you love me, you will love all of me.

  I LOVE ME. 

  I made a promise to myself a while back that I would never live a life again that shut her up.

  That stuck her in a corner and told her to be quiet and be NICE. 

 To please everyone else but her.

  FUCK THAT.

  I want a big hot fudge sundae with all the toppings, wearing my prettiest dress, my messy hair everywhere and paint all over my hands dancing to MY favorite music, surrounded by books, talking and laughing too loud and living exactly like I want to.

  Living MY dreams.  BEING EXACTLY WHO I AM. 

  And never making apologies for myself again.

  There is NOT A DAMN THING WRONG WITH ME.

  If someone does not like this REAL ME.

  Then they can go take a long walk off a short fucking pier.

  I have lived for so long afraid.

  Afraid of pissing someone off, of being TOO MUCH for someone and them not liking it.

  For me making a mistake, saying, doing, being the wrong thing.

  I AM DONE.

  From this day forward I am going to love me exactly as I am.

  I am going to affirm this to myself everyday.

  1 million times a day.

  I don't want to live a life with anyone that doesn't love the real me.

  What kind of life is that?

  That's a half life, an in the corner, being nice life.

  And they can fucking keep that.

  I want to LIVE WILD.  TO LIVE JOYFUL.  TO LOVE MYSELF FULLY AND COMPLETELY.  And to give a flying middle finger, smile and a wave to anyone that doesn't like that.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

And I am going to live it, FOR ME.  For just ME.

I can feel it.

So many shifts already.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

Digging deep into the darkest corners.

Places that hurt.  That have been long covered.

Places that in the digging have brought tears.

Tears of a pain that aches so bad at times I want to cry out in agony.

But after the pain.  

The healing.

The salt from my tears washes clean those dark places.

Breaks them open to the light of TRUTH.

I am facing my shadows.

And I am scared out of my mind most of the time.

But I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

I am feeling.

I am experiencing.

I am HEALING.

Moment to Moment.

I am.

I can feel her.

Moving, Speaking, Dancing, Laughing, Crying, Loving

THROUGH ME.

My tears turn into a battle cry.

Because that's where I am.

I am in a battle with FEAR.

The Unknown.  The Lies.  The perceptions.

My inner world is being shaken down and is being reflected outside of me.

I CAN FEEL IT.

It's hard and it hurts.

And it's GLORIOUS.

THE ENERGY IS MOVING.

Places that were stuck are starting to flow, like snow melting into streams.

AND I CAN SEE HER.

MY SOUL.

MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

AND SHE IS SO BRIGHT THAT SHE EXPLODES EVERYTHING AROUND HER INTO STARDUST.

And I know that I am going to be better than okay. 

Better than fine.

I am going to step into exactly who I am.

I will always survive.

I will heal and tell my story.

My journey for all to hear.

I will help them remember.

Moment to Moment.

To never forget who they are.

Who they always have been.

Who I always have been.