You Are.

Time.

It passes.  No matter what we do it always passes.  

It has been a season of releasing.  Of letting go.  And sitting in the stillness of what is.

A dear friend lost her father a few weeks ago.  How something like that can hit you out of the blue.  So many tears shed and blessings poured out onto her and her family in this time of  transition.  

My own release.  

Working to release what doesn't serve me.  

Old thought patterns that drain instead of uplift.

Old energy.  Dragging the proverbial skeletons out of the closet and given them a ritual throwin' out.

It is not an easy or pain free process.

But it is necessary.

Working on not running from discomfort.

But learning to sit with it.  To lean into it.  

To look my fears in the face and embrace them.

Embrace myself.  

With kindness and compassion.

To love myself for all the spaces that I lack and the times when I falter.

Especially for those times.  Because those are the times when it is needed most.

The "new year" is coming.

Shifting.  And change.  

Feeling it.

So in the spirit of the stillness that comes before the doors to a new year are flung wide open.

I finish here for now with this.

Not a resolution.

But a promise to myself.

"Dear Self.  I promise that whatever comes this year, EVERYTHING will be okay.  The joys and 

triumphs.  The lessons and stumbles.  

YOU ARE SUPPORTED.

  YOU ARE LOVED.

  YOU ARE 

WRAPPED IN THE EVER PRESENT LIGHT THAT IS ALWAYS WITHIN YOU.

YOU ARE STRONG.

YOU ARE A GODDESS."

"For I have been with you since the beginning..."

 -the Charge of the Goddess

-

Separate but Parallel.

The weather is changing.

Cool, crisp, golden sunlight mornings.

The first thrill of autumn coming to rest lightly on the world.

My life is changing too.

I've spent the last few weeks on my own.

Separate.

Separate but still in contact with him.  

For our daughter.  At first.  Then some heart felt conversations sprang forth from the chaos.  Realizations that he is having.  About himself.  About us.  About life.  Trying to put the wheels in motion to re-create himself.  To seek out those dark places inside and shed the beautiful light and love of the universe onto them.  Even when it hurts.   Even when it's hard.

Necessary change.

It will be a long time coming if ever and only time will tell, but...a little ribbon of hope has been discovered floating in this autumn wind.

Through major healing.  On my part.  On his part.  Speaking to wise sages who've tread the path we walk.  Who can impart wisdom.  Time apart and space.  Freedom to discover who we are.

We will walk this road.  Separate but parallel.  

And see where we end up.

Trusting the process.  The healing elixir of time.

Blessings to you all and a very Happy Belated Autumn Equinox.

 

It must be the end of the road.

I am going through huge shifts in my life right now.

Everything has changed.

I am now looking at a whole new universe and I just feel overwhelmed.

And for some reason tonight I just feel numb.

I have gone through about 50 bajillion different emotions about it all.

I have been having trouble sleeping.  Which has never been a problem for me.

I don't remember my dreams, but I wake feeling not rested, like I spent all night running.

I don't know when all this will change.  And I will find a new normal.  But for now it's disorienting, liberating, and exhausting.

But I will keep on going.  I will find that new normal.  Because I deserve happiness.  I deserve to live free.  To be myself.  To live from my heart.  And to never ever again settle for less.

"It must be the end of the road.  It must be the end of you and I and forever too.  I'm walking the last bridge alone.  I'm giving up on the good times and the bad we knew."  --Me, Myself and I by: Hanson

I Remember.

Never Let Me Go. 

(open this in an additional window and listen.)

Stream of Consciousness Writing from my journal this morning.

 I Remember.

 I feel awakened.

To live a Spirit filled joyous life.

 Shift your perspective.

 Fill each moment with joy and light and happiness.

 Dance out your emotions.

 LIVE FREE.

 You were ALWAYS FREE.

 You just had to REMEMBER.

 You have ALWAYS been you.

 You have ALWAYS been a Goddess.

 You have ALWAYS been in that ecstatic state.

 Love, Freedom, Joy, Spirit. Have ALWAYS been yours.

 You just needed to REMEMBER.

 No once can hold you down.

 No one has power over you.

 You are a Warrior Goddess.

 You do not have to live shackled.

 You are delivered.

 YOU ARE FREE.

A Human BE-ing.

Have been riding the wave of many ups and downs of late. Some emotional turbulence and some crests of joy. All my own. All my story. All my journey. Today I am taking for myself. For healing. Healing of my body, my mind, my heart. Layla turned 3 this past week. And I have sweet, precious photos to share. And they will come soon. But for today I am taking the time out to BE. Be here with myself right now. I will post again very soon. But for now here is my to do list. Slow down. Let go. Get outside. Read. Rest. Relax. Breathe. Fill up my inner gas tank. Be Happy. Be Blessed. Be Grateful. I Am Enough. Love and Blessings.

Busy Livin' :)

:) Hey guys. I'm still here. Just busy doing lots of this. I'll post an update soon. But for now it's back to that little girl, that smile on my face and summertime!

At Your Core, You are Divine.

I have got to write here more often.

I have been blog browsing and am just so inspired by the little bits and pieces of each day that's documented. Every smile. Every running late breakfast. Every mess. Every activity. Little snippets of true life. It makes me feel all the more normal. And it's good. Good to see real life as opposed to all the over processed "reality" that's blared at us through a glowing box telling us about "life".

The imperfection is beautiful.

I have been really enjoying my Instagram app on my Itouch. It allows me to record precious little moments without all the excess hubbub. Imperfect moments. That is where I am at right now. Imperfect. Rolling it around in my brain and seeing how it feels. There are many things about me and my life that are imperfect. "Flawed". Being a stay at home mom, if nothing else gives me a lot of time for self reflection. Sometimes too much time. Like "I need to get out of my head before I drive myself mad." time. But nonetheless I have been using that opportunity to ponder my self perceived imperfections. And what they mean. What they are trying to teach me. Because I believe in any area of life that you struggle or is challenging, there is a lesson to be learned, a truth.

At twenty-five, I have struggled and sometimes I learned from those trials and other times it had to hit me over the head a few times before I "got it". My perception of my imperfect body is one of them. I just a few moments ago stopped by this amazing woman's blog not only is her art GOREGOUS but she is BEAUTIFUL. Beautiful for sharing her unabashed truth. She recently posted a couple of photos of herself, dressed in adorable undies (which I have those same ones by the way :) ), and her daughter loving touching her tummy. Her mama tummy. And it is just luscious and beautiful and made me think of my own tummy. A tummy that I have often looked at with anger, disgust, loathing and sadness. Longing for what it wasn't. These photos of her brought to light an ache in my heart. An ache to accept myself. My body. My mama tummy. My imperfections. With just as much rawness and wild woman awesomeness as her. So to Erin, thank you. Thank you for the beauty that you are sharing with the world. Through your art, and through your life. You are truly an amazing soul.

Erin's photo inspired me to do something that makes my knees knock and my heart race with anxiety but I'm going to do it anyway. I am going to face my fear and post a picture of my own "mama tummy". If you leave a comment please be gentle and mindful that this is a sensitive issue for me and I want this place to be one of safety and loving exchange.

So, (exhale) her goes nothin'...




So there you have it. My mama tummy. It may get smaller, more toned, bigger, less toned whatever, but it's mine. It carried my daughter, it helps me to process all the delicious food I have ever had into fuel for my day, it has helped me birth life into this world. And I am grateful for it. I hope that I can continue to see it with new eyes with beauty, gratitude and love. To feel delicious not disgusted. Sensual not sad about it. And loving towards it not lashing it with unkind words, pinching and pulling wishing it to be something else.

I hope that even just one person will see this and feel better about themselves and their own amazing bodies.

Have a blessed weekend.

All Good Things.

A hand painted sign I did in my craft room to remind me what is important.

I have been planning an update for a while now but a round of the tummy-ickys have had us cuddled up with saltines and ginger ale all week. But seeing as we are on the mend, I figured now was as good a time as any to slap an update together :).

My husband just recently updated his phone to a "Droid" (I think that's what it is called...I don't know cell phones :) ) and gifted me with his disconnected Iphone. Me not being the techie type was uber excited about several Apps, the most exciting being, Instagram. Let's just say I have been going Instagram crazy for the last 2 weeks! It makes it really easy to take daily pictures of the simple ordinary moments that I wouldn't normally grab my big camera to capture. Little moments that would've gotten lost in the sands of time. It's amazing when you look back through photos that you have taken how the little moments are some of the most hear tugging. So without further ado, here is my last week in Instagram snap shots. Enjoy


C'est Moi.

watercolor. where I'm meant to be.

sittin' and spinnin'

From my Valentine.

afternoon light.

precious moment captured.

Happiness.

Small precious moments. These are the ones that make you realize that all life is just that. Moments. Gratitude for those moments. And I am very grateful. Even in this "not feeling so good" time, I am grateful. Because it will pass and life will pick up again. This has forced us to slow down and be present here and now. Taking a deep breath and drinking it all in.

Blessings and hope everyone has a wonderful rest of the week!

Best of Intentions :)

Oh the open road of possibility!


Okay. :)

I have been taking some delicious time to get some things on the home front in order, but this afternoon of stormy, dark sky, windy weather, I felt would be a good time write a post.

I know it's a bit belated, but I wanted to talk about some thoughts, intentions for the New Year. I like "intentions" better than resolutions. Resolutions bring up the thought of berating of the self and bad fad diets.

So here's to New Years "Intentions".

I would like to share my list for the things that I intend for the coming rotation around the sun.

1. My phrase for this year is "WHY NOT!! :)". In the vein of why can't every amazing thing that you desire for yourself be possible? Why does it have to be tempered with a pessimistic attitude of "we don't have enough money" or "it will take forever..." blah blah NO MORE! I am adopting an attitude of "WHY THE HELL NOT!" and seeing where that lovely goodness takes me.

2. Instead of having "should-y" thoughts. I release all my shoulds. Your "shoulds" are when you say to yourself, I SHOULD eat a head of broccoli instead of that wedge of cake. Or I should be better at cleaning up. Or I shouldn't this, that or the other thing. I am DONE with shoulds!!!! I will do exactly what my heart calls me to do! I know there are daily responsibilities in life and that's fine! But no more guilt! In the words of Brene Brown, "No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough...". Amen Sister!

3. Love myself by doing things that enrich my soul and my passion for life. Create. Read. Loving physical movement i.e yoga, hooping, dancing, sex, playing with Layla, laughing so hard I can't breathe with my best friends. No guilt trips. Again with the no shoulds. Fill my days with things that bring me joy. Nourish and care for my body and spirit by doing things that I love.

4. RELAX. Learn the beauty of idleness. This one is huge. As a habitual "Need to DO-er", I constantly am in a state of GET IT DONE NOW. I'll have to be gentle with myself. But when I find myself idle for a moment, instead of prodding myself into action, I will whisper to myself "just breathe into it...relax. It's okay. You are safe. You can just sit here and be. The world will not fall down around you. :). Enjoying the moment.

5. Take at least one picture a day. Bwahaha! :) Okay I'm sorry I had to laugh at this one because I'm already slacking. But it's good that I am writing this out, because it will remind me to. Just one random picture a day. I think I can wrap my will around that.

6. Delve more into photography skills. Learning all the bits and bobs of my camera and my focus, natural lighting, post process editing etc. Not because I SHOULD ;) but because I have a fire in my soul for photos and capturing memories. I want to be able to look back at this precious time in my life when my hair has started to gray, and I have more wrinkles than freckles and feel my heart well up with joy of my life and all the beautiful memories I created.

7. Integrate a steady yoga practice into your daily life. I am doing pretty well at this one so far, I am proud to say! I have done some kind of movement daily whether it was walking my neighborhood several times around in the brisk January wind, or stretching it out on my yoga mat with Shiva Rea :). And some days both! (WOOO! Go me!). I'll definitely be keeping this up. The first day I did this, my body was like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! lol! It's safe to say it's missed Yoga.

8. Ask yourself daily. "Am I being kind to others and myself?" This one tugs at my heart strings a bit. Because I think a majority of people myself included, do not give or receive enough kindness. A hug for your husband. A kiss for you baby. A call to your Mama or Daddy. A I miss you to that far off brother in culinary school (who I DO miss SO BAD, but am SO PROUD OF!). And a look in the mirror at yourself and saying, "Hey Jess, I love you. You are awesome!" Hokey? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely.

9. Have a time to connect to your Spirit everyday. Whether it's on my morning walk, stirring my coffee, over my meal at supper time, or deep breathing in Asana practice. Connect with my Spirit and speak to Great Spirit, God, Goddess, The Great One in the Sky. Whatever it is that gets you there. Do it.

10. Read as much as possible. :) Not a problem! I have about fifty books that are waiting to be devoured right now. I think I have a book buying problem. But Amazon makes it too irresistible. I buy used and they are DIRT cheap and in great condition. But I think it's a vice that I am okay living with. It's all about acceptance man...:)

11. Express my authentic self in every possible way. Through art, my outfit choice of the day, cooking, EVERYTHING. I received one of the best compliments of my life from my brother a few months ago that literally made my year. He said, "Jess, you are without a doubt, the most genuine person I have ever met. Throughout the years even after all you've been through and the fact that you have grown older, that is one thing that has never changed about you. You have never tried to be anyone but exactly who you are." Definite WOW moment for me. I love my brother.

12. Know that no matter what, that you are safe and that everything will be okay. This one touches a very personal part of me. I went through a very hard time in my life, where nothing felt safe or secure, and I have slowly in the last several years come to terms that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be okay. I am safe. And that I am strong enough to handle whatever comes. Warrior Woman! ;)

13. Work on glorious goodies for Etsy shop! Oh Yea! That's right! I've got an Etsy shop in the works! WOOOOOT!

14. KNIT! :) I am in the fledgling stages of beginner-hood, but it's wonderful! I have discovered a love of textiles! I love sewing already and knitting is catching up! I have a bucket list goal of knitting a HUGE soft blanket in my lifetime!

15. Keep Flying with Flylady. If you don't know who this lady is...go check her out! She has saved me from dying under a mountain of mess!

16. You have permission to let go of things, (people, objects, weight, etc) that do not serve you. I intend to only keep things around me that I absolutely love!

17. Laugh and smile as much as possible! A very simple thing. Something you can do for free anytime of the day or night. Anywhere. Although you might get some glares if you are in the library hee-hawing it, but oh well! Spread that joy around!

18. Have more dance parties! Hell Yes! Again, anytime, anyplace! FREE! I have never known someone to be in a terrible mood and be dancing at the same time! So do it, crank the music up and shake it off!

19. Nurture and Love Yourself. Always.

20. Live Your Joy!!!!!!!


Hope ya'll enjoyed this! Set your Intentions for the beautiful New Year! It's going to be amazing!