The Story of A Year.

 

As the year is surely winding down, the inward reflection begins.

When this year began I was in a very different place.

A place of transition.

Of not knowing which end was up.

My heart was still deeply raw and hurt.

A wound bleeding out that had yet to begin to heal.

Soul shaking fear that at times felt all consuming as if it would swallow me down and never let me go.

At this time last year,  I could not see.

I could not see the blessing...the growth that was taking place.

What this fear, this visceral reaction happening in my body.

My soul was literally forcing me to sit up and face my emotions.

It was as if my guides, my Spirit was working through me, even though my ego wanted so badly to run.

My Soul would not let me.  It forced me to stay present.  

In my body.

To FEEL.

And it hurt.  It broke my heart.  I felt vulnerable.

Too exposed to the harshness of my emotions.

Afraid of what was in them if I let myself dig my hands in and unearth them.

Afraid that if I let those emotions in, let them loose, they would shake me until I broke into a million pieces, never to be put together again.

I remember saying, "If I let the flood gate open, I may never be able to shut it again."

Little did I know then, that is exactly what would happen.

The thing about holding back the rushing water of emotions, it will eventually burst forth.

There IS no stopping it.

You may be able to hold it bay for a while but it will inevitably break down any futile walls you have constructed and like a salty oceans tide cleanse everything it touches.

The dam broke.

All my trying to hold it together faltered.

And the tide rushed in.

And it broke me.

The heart wrenching sobs, the animal screams, the deep wells of sorrow and anger and hurt, they came forth.

They are STILL coming forth from time to time.

And I have never been able to shut that floodgate again.

And I never want to.

I never want to bottle my heart again.

I never want to lock my soul, my truth away ever again.

She is beautiful.

She is me.

She is the me that I had to find the courage to be.

And I am still becoming her all the time.

A year ago at this time, I was living in constant fear of being seen.

And now

the gate is flung wide open.

And it is messy.

It is real.

I have been seen.

I have been loved.

I am my truth.

I am She.