*Disclaimer* I own none of the photos in this post. They were copied from Google.com. I mean no disrespect in using them. Thank you. :)
This morning I awoke like I always do, got my daughter up and fed her, her breakfast. Still half asleep at this point I bumbled around the kitchen fixing my morning must have coffee with stevia. Layla usually wakes up fairly early so she usually is still sleepy after her morning bottle, so I put her back down to take a quick nap. Retreating back to my "nook", I turned on the computer and started browsing through my usual blog spaces that I love to frequent.
Now before I go any further, let me do a little back tracking over the general, shall we say, "mental space" I have been in for quite some time now. With the exception of a few days of clarity, my mind has been bogged down with a lot of negativity as of late. Negativity about myself. My body. My mind. etc etc. No matter what I did it felt as if all I could focus on was a "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH" mentality. It was like I was punishing myself for something I didn't even do. Now I did not do these things or have these thoughts consciously but, that nasty little, evil voice was there in the back of my mind whispering..."you don't need to eat lunch today...you're too fat to eat..." or "look at all those other mother's who lost weight, toned up and look BETTER than they did before they were pregnant...if you were actually dedicated you could do that..." It has just been an ugly nightmare inside me, eating away at my self confidence. For some reason I think it has just been a long time coming that all of this would come to a head sooner or later. Either with me losing it and just running screaming down the street or entering a moment of peace and enlightenment about myself and the world and space around me.
I have been searching. Searching for validation. Happiness. Acceptance from outside sources, people, magazines, blogs, websites, images. The list goes on. and on. and on. Searching, hoping and waiting for some type of sign or answer that spoke to me, "Jessica, you are beautiful, talented, unique and perfect just as you are. You are loved and appreciated. There is no one else like you. Be free. Love yourself. You now have permission to be happy." Needless to say that didn't really happen. Well not in so many words...
Well this morning began as I said just like many that have come before, and as I was doing my usual browsing I came across the website titled http://www.madisonplus.com/, that featured an article about a young woman that I have grown to admire immensely over the last few weeks. And that beautiful lady is...
Miss Ashley Graham
Now.I will give you just a minute to pick your chin up off the floor...lol. Not only is the amazing woman physically STUNNING. She is beautiful inside. She is a plus size model who has been popping up everywhere. You may recognize her from the infamous "Banned Lane Bryant commercial!" If you haven't seen it yet, go to youtube and type in her name and Lane Bryant...lol. Spending her free time volunteering in Africa to help the less fortunate, and spreading the message of self acceptance and rocking your curves to other ladies. SHE IS AWESOME!
As I flipped through more of her photos and watched an interview with her, her confidence and happiness just RADIATED. She just seemed so...HAPPY. Happy in her body, her life, and living to help others. This curvaceous beauty is a size 16 and has stated that she has always been voluptuous. Her parents instilled in her early to love and appreciate her body exactly as is. And she has carried that with her to this day. After sitting back for a few moments, absorbing it all, a radical idea toddled into my head.
"...I am going to love my body today."
The voice in my head was not the one I had been hearing for the last several months. It was different. Quiet. But with a definite undercurrent of truth and strength. The kind of presence that doesn't need to be showy or loud to be announced. Instantly I felt lighter. Like I had been carrying an invisible boulder on my back and suddenly realized I could put it down. And when I did step away from the negativity, the world didn't end. No lightening struck. No naysayers were waiting in the wings to ambush me with hateful comments and nastiness that I wasn't good enough to just "love myself for who I am...". I got up to go take a shower and proceeded to undress. Standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, I looked myself over completely and then suddenly started DANCING.
Paying no mind to the moves I was doing, or if I looked goofy. Just DANCED. To no music. And I started laughing. At myself. For wondering why in the world I had been living my life SOSERIOUSLY. I have a fire in me to enjoy everything this life has to offer me, and I am sick of living it according to some self imposed, restrictions and rules. I am healthy. I am active. I am a great mother. I am a great wife ;). I am creative. Ambitious. Driven. Joyous. I AM ALIVE and HAPPY!
I am giving myself permission to be absolutely, unabashedly in love with myself. Sure I will have off days. But all I have to do is come back to those pictures and all the lovely ladies that I look up to, many of whom post blogs themselves. REAL WOMEN. Not some unattainable ideal.
I will not put pressure on myself to be someone I am not. To look like someone I am not.
I will take care of myself. I will love my body, ESPECIALLY the parts that are a little tougher to love. I will dress for my body and be proud. I will be gentle with myself. Rest when I need rest. Move when I need movement. Eat when I am hungry. Meditate, pray, connect with the God and Goddess when I need spiritual nourishment.
I. WILL. BE. ME.
NO EXCEPTIONS.
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