I Choose.

"Aaaahhhhh..."

That is a sigh of a mama.
A sigh of contentment.
Little one is tucked away in bed finally asleep.
The husband is upstairs, snoozing away, exhausted from a long drill weekend.
And a momma in her craft room, surrounded by books waiting to be read, a fall craft project that I am in the middle of finishing and a steaming cup of tea.
Yea. This is the stuff.

I feel really good right now. In this moment. Very connected. Grounded which I haven't felt in a while. The frazzles I've had definitely could've been contributed to the Mercury retrograde that just wrapped itself up a few weeks ago. But tonight I feel like I am right where I should be.

I've been sitting with things lately. Trying to not fight against the flow of life. If someone says something upsetting to me I don't let it hook me. I just let it flow. If Layla is grumpy and showing it, I let it flow. I remember that I don't have to let other's emotions and negativity become my own. I know that I fall down and make mistakes but I am becoming more and more aware of the lessons these stumbles bring forth.

I can feel a stirring. An awakening beginning that I always feel at this time of year. This is my time of year. I am a fall baby after all. But the cooling of the air, the falling leaves, the scent of wood smoke on the wind, the burnt orange, golden yellow, and deep burgundies of the sunset, all speak to my soul in some way. This season breathes fresh life into me when I feel just about to burn out from all the endless southern heat.

Lately I have had this message coming through to me, a message to take that leap of faith into the unknown. That there will be someone there to catch me. The leap to be free. To dive into the bliss of living a limitless life. To shake off the shackles and free that all that love and joy within me to live this life to the fullest and not let anything stop me. I has struggled in the past, in a victimized state of mind. Letting my relationships to my loved ones, my failures, my situations define and contain me. But I feel something has shifted. I know that I CHOOSE to be happy. To live a life filled with joy. To look at all that I am blessed with, with gratitude. To open my heart to all that abundance and unbridled possibility. It's exhilerating.

I talked to a friend the other day that I haven't talked to in years because of a disagreement that we had, and something that had hurt me deeply. We were very close at a point in our young lives, and she messaged me online just to say hello. And it was like the floodgates opened. I felt this nudge inside me..."talk to her." it said. And I listened. We've exchanged some short conversations so far but have plans to meet soon for a long overdue lunch to really catch up. Our lives have changed so much. We are both married, both have children, I have one, she two. It's just crazy how much time has gone by. And I told myself. I choose forgiveness. I choose joy. I choose daily gratitude. Moment by moment gratitude, in the throws of 2 year old fits over which movie my daughter wants to watch. I choose to be seen. For all my faults and imperfections. For all my beauty and amazing qualities. For my authentic self. For my heart. For my soul. For me.

Just me.