It's funny how there are times when you feel like you've grown and changed and morphed into this enlightened, open person full of wisdom and then the universe lobs a curve ball your way to knock you down off your high horse right when you need it.
Thank goodness I have to the guidance to receive it with grace and not resist the constructive criticism. :)
I have been sitting with some emotions and thought processes that have come to my attention as of late. It's been a struggle to humble myself and admit (to myself) that there are things that I still need to dig into soulfully. I love how the universe leaves little messages through some of the most interesting avenues for me to find, like little jewels dropped along my pathway to lead me in the right direction.
The thing that I keep coming back to lately is letting my emotions wrap me in their hurricane and jerk me all over the place until the fallout is all that's left. I know there are trials and tests in life, usually in the areas that you struggle with the most because that is where you need the most growth. For me it is my patience. My compassion. My fuse can be so short sometimes. With the people that I love the dearest. I know this logically that when I let my emotions just run rough-shot all over my day and I REACT instantly instead of breathing into the emotion and recognizing it for what it is and letting it pass through, some definite damage can be done. And I don't like that about myself. It's an ugly part of me. When I speak a little to harshly to my husband over something trivial because of my insatiable desire to control my world (when that is fruitless and I know it...Great Spirit is that you laughing right now...yeah I though so...:), or when I reach my patience quotient for the day with my daughter when she is throwing a temper tantrum because her movie went off or because she's out of milk. These are my struggles. And I get sad looking back on these moments. Because I know how precious and fleeting they are. And it hurts my heart that, I could've handled it so much differently.
I know I am human. And as a human I am genetically programed to be imperfect. But squaring with yourself, taking a breath, and taking an honest assessment of your words and actions can really make you stop and think. I feel like sometimes, I am snappy, or irritable etc. because I have built up the wall that is the HUGE elephant in the room and if I act irritated or grouchy then others cannot see my vulnerabilities.
But I recognize them. And even though I am unsure if they will ever be conquered entirely. I strive to be more in touch with my heart. My emotions. More grounded in myself and real true life. My eyes are stinging right now with tears as I type this with gratefulness for what I have been blessed with. How little things can get in the way during a busy day when I should be thanking my husband for all that he does, and holding my daughter close even when she is fussy because soon she will be gone from my arms and a grown woman, living in this crazy beautiful world.
My birthday is coming soon. In a few weeks. I'll be 25. And I've told myself I am not allowed to have a quarter-life crisis ;). But I can definitely feel how someone could. I noticed my first laugh lines at the corners of my eyes. Very small ones. But they're there none the less. And it scared me. It's hitting me hard lately that I am truly and absolutely going to age. Then I started thinking about mortality. My mortality. And how there will be a time when I will not walk this earth. I will not smell the fresh rain, like the kind that fell this afternoon. Or touch my baby's soft hair and smell her sweet scent or hear her "I love you too mommmy's", see my husband's smile, my mother's hugs. And it wrenched my heart. But it also made me that much more acutely aware. How life can slip past you if you aren't paying attention.
Be present. Be here now. That is my focus. Because the days when I find myself living in each individual moment. Reading a book to my daughter, washing the dinner dishes, creating something beautiful for someone I love, sipping my coffee. It's like everything is brighter, clearer, more vibrant, more precious. So I take these moments. All of them. I soak in them and breathe them in because they will all too soon turn to memories.
Today appreciate each moment. Each bite of food. Each laugh. Each tear. Read that book to your child for the 50th time. Hug your loved ones extra long. Stop waiting for your life to being. Because you are in it. Live it out loud. Live from your soul and trust your heart.
It's a beautiful life. Doesn't it go by in a blink?...
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