Just Me.

I feel like me today. 

 The real authentic me.

  And I love her so.

  I love even the inauthentic parts. 

 The parts where I pretend.

  And I hide.

  But today I am really me.

  I am remembering things that I love. 

 Things that I loved when I was a teenager.

  People who inspire me.

  I am realizing somethings today as well.

  That I am an awesome person.

  Not in a "big headed way."  But that for so many years, of abuse and bullshit and feeling so low and losing that spark inside that made me ME.

  I listened to those ugly projective voices. 

 And I have been in it of late in the last few months.

  Digging.  Searching for her again.

  And she's always been here underneath even if I wander in aimless circles searching for her.

  Making apologies for letting her come out to play.

 FUCK THAT.

  I hate that. 

 I am sick of apologizing for her, the real me.

If you love me, you will love all of me.

  I LOVE ME. 

  I made a promise to myself a while back that I would never live a life again that shut her up.

  That stuck her in a corner and told her to be quiet and be NICE. 

 To please everyone else but her.

  FUCK THAT.

  I want a big hot fudge sundae with all the toppings, wearing my prettiest dress, my messy hair everywhere and paint all over my hands dancing to MY favorite music, surrounded by books, talking and laughing too loud and living exactly like I want to.

  Living MY dreams.  BEING EXACTLY WHO I AM. 

  And never making apologies for myself again.

  There is NOT A DAMN THING WRONG WITH ME.

  If someone does not like this REAL ME.

  Then they can go take a long walk off a short fucking pier.

  I have lived for so long afraid.

  Afraid of pissing someone off, of being TOO MUCH for someone and them not liking it.

  For me making a mistake, saying, doing, being the wrong thing.

  I AM DONE.

  From this day forward I am going to love me exactly as I am.

  I am going to affirm this to myself everyday.

  1 million times a day.

  I don't want to live a life with anyone that doesn't love the real me.

  What kind of life is that?

  That's a half life, an in the corner, being nice life.

  And they can fucking keep that.

  I want to LIVE WILD.  TO LIVE JOYFUL.  TO LOVE MYSELF FULLY AND COMPLETELY.  And to give a flying middle finger, smile and a wave to anyone that doesn't like that.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

And I am going to live it, FOR ME.  For just ME.