This is something that I wrote back in November 09' of this past year and I thought it relevant to share. I have seen quite similar posts on other blogs and vlogs and thought it would be nice to share. Hope you enjoy.
Today's been a strange day. I started the day out, feeling sorry for myself as I tend to do now and again. I was looking in the mirror at my body, so changed after my pregnancy and bringing Layla into this world. Several times a week, I excercise either running, lifting weights, intensive yoga, or just kick my butt bootcamp like training. But still as I stared at my reflection I saw the lumps and bumps, puckers, and dimples of a body that was taking longer and longer and harder work than I have ever had to put into it in order to mold it into what I wanted it to look like. I frowned. "Will I look like this forever?" "will I ever feel proud of my body again?" The majority of my morning went on as such. As I got dressed, fixed my hair and my makeup, I scrutinized, "my skin is so pale..." " "Do i look pudgy in this shirt?" "I look like a mom in this outfit, not like a trendy 20 something woman" On an on the complaints and negative thoughts filled my mind and the space around me, and I'm sure it was coming off of me in waves of stress and dissatisfaction. I felt my own negativity, just polluting me, I felt a knot in my insides and didn't quite understand why at the moment, but as always hindsight is perfectly 20/20. Layla did not have a good day today. From early this morning she was not feeling well and out of sorts. She fussed through her morning nap she should've been taking, into being hungry and needing to be fed. And on it went for her, crying between feedings and from exhaustion from not napping all day. Finally all that energy hit its crescendo at about supper time. I was fixing supper and went up to check on her because she had been fussing and Chandler had laid down with her to see if she'd nap for a little while. Almost immediately after laying her down in her bassinete, she started crying again and fussing. It was almost more than I could bear. I just wanted to sit in the floor and cry. Chandler was trying to calm my frustration and we were bickering and suddenly we heard a gargling noise and turned quickly to Layla's basinette and she was vomiting and choking. I instantly went into Mom mode and Chandler into Dad mode. Lifting her up, still projectile vomiting I held her close to me, checking her breathing and Chandler swiftling wrapping her up in a blanket and clearing away the soiled things. I carried her quickly to her room, checking her stunned face to make sure she was okay. My heart wrenched for her knowing she had been in pain all afternoon with an upset tummy and I selfishly was thinking of myself and my wardrobe choices. Now I wasn't trading one negative emotion for the other...not self pity for guilt. But as I bathed her and changed her into warm dry jammies, and saw a little smile on her face even though she was feeling badly, my heart just smiled back. I held her after her last bottle as she FINALLY slept in my arms and my mom and I watched CNN Heroes, and all the people they showcased who make such a tremendous difference in others' lives everyday. Enriching and helping those that literally HAVE NOTHING. Coming home after their day job and spending hours EVER DAY cooking huge amounts of food in order to take it to the homeless and hungry, fathering and mothering those who are orphans because their parents were killed in war torn countries, educating children by pushing a trolley filled with a few teaching materials throughout a city, children that play in massive dumps full of trash, debris, glass and disease, and the list just goes on and on. I felt immensely selfish for my comforts and all that I took for granted on a daily basis. I consider myself a giving thoughtful person but today I was humbled. I may not have the latest clothing all the time, I may not have a Victoria's Secret model-like body, I may not even have enough money to make ends meet at times and hospital bills, doctors bills have to be juggled, phones have to be shut off for a while because its a luxury. But my eyes opened to something that for some reason my heart seems to forget on occasion. What I do have in large abundance. I live in a home with my mother, step father, brother, my husband and my daughter, and I am grateful. Some might ridicule for us not having our own place right now, but I am fortunate enough to have a safe, warm, loving place to keep my daughter and be surrounded by my family that loves me. I have a husband who has been through hell and back, trials and tribulations that he may never fully share through his military service and working as hard as he can to support us both and our daughter and give us what we need. A husband that loves me and sees me as not only attractive despite my physical "flaws" but enriched by it because I am the mother of his child. I get to feel his arms around me everyday and snuggle close to him at night. I get to hear his laugh and see him play with our little girl. I get to feel loved and to love in return. I am grateful. I have a mother who has physical ailments that keep her from doing many physical things that she would love to, but she never ceases to do anything and everything to see her children safe happy and taken care of. Even to the point of doing without for herself she gives more freely and openly to others than anyone I have ever known. I have a brother who brings light into my everyday. He is my best friend and makes me laugh more than anyone else. When I'm feeling down or don't want to talk he will just hold me, if I'm crying and tell me he loves me. He truly knows my heart and I don't know where I would be without him. I have sisters that have both been through so much. Both with children they are the warriors, the Amazons that have paved the way and come before me. They impart humor and love and support when its only a female ear that can hear my problems. They are my sisters in flesh and soul and I love them. I have a father who "is being healed" from parkinsons, as he says. He strives and fights his deteriorative disease EVERY DAY. Runing and walking miles around a track or with me around my neighborhood. Even when hes having a "characther building day" as he says, when his leg stiffens up on him and its hard for him to walk or his hand is shaking, he smiles and jokes it away, laughing at himself good naturedly. I have never met anyone as positive and uplifting as that man. He looks his fears straight in the face and says "you will NOT beat me". I have a stepfather and a stepmother that love their stepchildren as if they were their own and how hard it is to come into a pre established family and try and become apart of it, but they did and are parents above and beyond their calling. A man who in his sixties should be thinking about retirement, is getting up at 5 a.m and going to work everyday to support a bustling household. A stepmother with many physical ailments of her own, puts others before herself always and supports my father and my family with all her heart. I have a daughter. The most beautiful little girl that a mother would ever be blessed to bring into this world. She has no physical mal conformities, no mental retardation, no life threatening sickness. She is a healthy happy lovely almost-4 month old. To see her smile every morning as she sees me coming to pick her up out of her basinette with that cheesy toothless grin makes everyday worth it. To hold her as she sleeps and smell her skin, to feel her tiny hands grasp for me and hear her coo and gurgle silly responses at me when i talk to her and see her eyes light up at every new and exciting sound or sight. I am the luckiest mother in the world. And I have a body. I have a fully functioning body. I can walk, talk, speak, see, taste, smell, hear, and touch anything and everything. I can run, I can do pushups, I can stretch and play with my daugher on the rug. I can hug, I can dance, I can laugh and I can cry. The most amazing thing that I have ever done is to create life. MY BODY CREATED LIFE. Life began within me and I carried it for 9 months and bore it into existence. That in itself is AMAZING. I would go through it a thousand times over again to see my daughters face and to hear that little cry for the first time. So never mind the dimples, the pudginess, and the "imperfections" that need to be worked on or toned up. I created a life with my own body and that makes me love it! I am so proud of my body and what it has been able to accomplish, and I thank it for being mine. I only have one in this lifetime so I want to take care of it and treat it with respect.So in turn it has been a strange day. An eye opening and truly humbling one. I hope to not forget too often everything that I am blessed with. And the times when I am feeling sorry for myself or feeling like I drew the short straw, I turn back to this and remember...I am blessed. And I am grateful.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
the unexpected snow day and it's choices
It's snowing today.
BIG TIME! Although it's not sticking to the ground the way that I would like, it's coming down fairly abundantly. I truly am just about ready for the last few cold weather days to be gone, considering it's the second day of March and I hail from the deep south, you would think that would be true by now and we'd be on our way to springtime. But not to be seen as of yet. We've had a few nice days here and there but we've had more snow this year than we've had in a long while. It's truly beautiful watching it fall out the window. When you stand outside you can just hear the quiet. The soft hush as it falls, coating cars, trees, everything it touches. The world just seems to slow down. Everyone seems to walk a little slower looking around at the wondrous white flakes flowing down to the earth. Whether they are rushing into the grocery store to get those few last minute supplies to stock up on in case we get "snowed in" :). It's one of those days that you wish you could just curl up on a big, fluffy, overstuffed couch, a warm cozy blanket thrown over you, a cup of warmth in your hands, a fire place roaring and crackling and a stack of good books that you have been meaning to get lost in but just now have finally carved out the time. It's so peaceful. I just want to slow down and savor every wonderful minute of my day.
I have been on a strict schedule of exercise since about the end of January and my goal is set for 90 days to work out for an hour a day (at least) on the P90X program. I did fairly well for the first 30 days, only missing 3 days but making them up promptly, and following a nutrition plan. But in the last 2 weeks my husband has had a short term deployment to Japan and him coming home as always was an adjustment in our schedules (considering at his location he was about 14 hours ahead of our time). My daughter had been teething during his absence with her first set of teeth which made her super cranky, and then my mother passed on a lovely cold/sinus infection to me which I am still feeling the effects from. Not to mention during said teething week we had to take Layla (my daughter) to the doctor for her 6 month check up and to receive 5 shots... needless to say she was not happy with us. My point in all this describing is that during that week of life insanity, I decided to take it easy and not jump right back into my workouts, as I was about to enter stage 2 of the program. I wanted to be up to par and give my body a chance to recuperate. As that's all well and good, my body definitely had a hard time getting back into the intense required hour or more workout that I attempted to complete this morning. During the workout my muscles struggled to keep up, during the weightlifting and push ups of the Chest, Shoulders and Triceps routine my arm muscles felt like pure jelly. I tried to push through each and every move as best as my body would let me but it truly kicked my but. Tony Horton's (the creator of P90X) motto is "Do Your Best and Forget the Rest" and I did the best I could considering the circumstances. I didn't meet the normal goals I set for myself today because I generally try and push myself to try for just a little more when I feel like I can only eek out one more. But that's okay because I feel like I at least TRIED. But on the downside, post workout I felt very dizzy and shaky and my sinus issues seemed to be returning. I think I underestimated the severity of the cold that I endured and the effect it had on my entire body. So after loading up with a few allergy and sinus meds, some vitamins and some juice. my daughter finally napping, I crawled into bed for about 2 hours for some very rejuvenating snooze time.
My question is...should I continue to push myself on days, like today that I feel still not quite well or should I let myself rest and recuperate until I feel 100% again? I checked the beachbody.com forums and some said to take it easy and some said to try and push through it if you felt like you could, just lower intensity. So it's kind of a toss up. Not sure if I should continue tomorrow pushing or take a few more days to get back to myself. Let me know what you all think, advice would be greatly appreciated.
I enjoy the workout program and setting a goal to attain for myself but at the same time I don't want that to be what I am all about. I do not have a specific goal image or weight that I am trying to achieve but am trying to see what my body is capable of on such a rigorous program. I feel like I want to do my best to achieve balance in working on my body, my soulpath, my spirit and my life journey with my family. Because a great deal of the time those things can fall to the wayside due to every day living and giving to others. It's been such a blessing to finally feel like the ice is dissipating and my heart, my passion is returning. I am remembering things that I loved and why I loved them. Music, artists, books, writers and activities that I had just let fall away over time I am rediscovering them and they bring me such joy. Joy and fueling a passion that I had somehow forgotten. It's reawakening my desire to work for myself and make my love of art and expression something that I hope to turn into a forum of supporting my family and nurturing my heart and soul. My dream is to each night go to sleep knowing that I lived each day to it's fullest capacity and spread love and joy and happiness in my path with myself and others. And to be kind to myself. Treat myself with the love and respect that I deserve.
So whether I do or don't take a few more days for myself to rejuvenate my soul and my body, whatever I choose will be the right path for me. Whatever feels right in my soul.
I wish you all a wonderfully precious day, and I hope you take the time out to appreciate the small things, be kind to yourself and take care no matter where you are.
Brightest Blessings and Love.
BIG TIME! Although it's not sticking to the ground the way that I would like, it's coming down fairly abundantly. I truly am just about ready for the last few cold weather days to be gone, considering it's the second day of March and I hail from the deep south, you would think that would be true by now and we'd be on our way to springtime. But not to be seen as of yet. We've had a few nice days here and there but we've had more snow this year than we've had in a long while. It's truly beautiful watching it fall out the window. When you stand outside you can just hear the quiet. The soft hush as it falls, coating cars, trees, everything it touches. The world just seems to slow down. Everyone seems to walk a little slower looking around at the wondrous white flakes flowing down to the earth. Whether they are rushing into the grocery store to get those few last minute supplies to stock up on in case we get "snowed in" :). It's one of those days that you wish you could just curl up on a big, fluffy, overstuffed couch, a warm cozy blanket thrown over you, a cup of warmth in your hands, a fire place roaring and crackling and a stack of good books that you have been meaning to get lost in but just now have finally carved out the time. It's so peaceful. I just want to slow down and savor every wonderful minute of my day.
I have been on a strict schedule of exercise since about the end of January and my goal is set for 90 days to work out for an hour a day (at least) on the P90X program. I did fairly well for the first 30 days, only missing 3 days but making them up promptly, and following a nutrition plan. But in the last 2 weeks my husband has had a short term deployment to Japan and him coming home as always was an adjustment in our schedules (considering at his location he was about 14 hours ahead of our time). My daughter had been teething during his absence with her first set of teeth which made her super cranky, and then my mother passed on a lovely cold/sinus infection to me which I am still feeling the effects from. Not to mention during said teething week we had to take Layla (my daughter) to the doctor for her 6 month check up and to receive 5 shots... needless to say she was not happy with us. My point in all this describing is that during that week of life insanity, I decided to take it easy and not jump right back into my workouts, as I was about to enter stage 2 of the program. I wanted to be up to par and give my body a chance to recuperate. As that's all well and good, my body definitely had a hard time getting back into the intense required hour or more workout that I attempted to complete this morning. During the workout my muscles struggled to keep up, during the weightlifting and push ups of the Chest, Shoulders and Triceps routine my arm muscles felt like pure jelly. I tried to push through each and every move as best as my body would let me but it truly kicked my but. Tony Horton's (the creator of P90X) motto is "Do Your Best and Forget the Rest" and I did the best I could considering the circumstances. I didn't meet the normal goals I set for myself today because I generally try and push myself to try for just a little more when I feel like I can only eek out one more. But that's okay because I feel like I at least TRIED. But on the downside, post workout I felt very dizzy and shaky and my sinus issues seemed to be returning. I think I underestimated the severity of the cold that I endured and the effect it had on my entire body. So after loading up with a few allergy and sinus meds, some vitamins and some juice. my daughter finally napping, I crawled into bed for about 2 hours for some very rejuvenating snooze time.
My question is...should I continue to push myself on days, like today that I feel still not quite well or should I let myself rest and recuperate until I feel 100% again? I checked the beachbody.com forums and some said to take it easy and some said to try and push through it if you felt like you could, just lower intensity. So it's kind of a toss up. Not sure if I should continue tomorrow pushing or take a few more days to get back to myself. Let me know what you all think, advice would be greatly appreciated.
I enjoy the workout program and setting a goal to attain for myself but at the same time I don't want that to be what I am all about. I do not have a specific goal image or weight that I am trying to achieve but am trying to see what my body is capable of on such a rigorous program. I feel like I want to do my best to achieve balance in working on my body, my soulpath, my spirit and my life journey with my family. Because a great deal of the time those things can fall to the wayside due to every day living and giving to others. It's been such a blessing to finally feel like the ice is dissipating and my heart, my passion is returning. I am remembering things that I loved and why I loved them. Music, artists, books, writers and activities that I had just let fall away over time I am rediscovering them and they bring me such joy. Joy and fueling a passion that I had somehow forgotten. It's reawakening my desire to work for myself and make my love of art and expression something that I hope to turn into a forum of supporting my family and nurturing my heart and soul. My dream is to each night go to sleep knowing that I lived each day to it's fullest capacity and spread love and joy and happiness in my path with myself and others. And to be kind to myself. Treat myself with the love and respect that I deserve.
So whether I do or don't take a few more days for myself to rejuvenate my soul and my body, whatever I choose will be the right path for me. Whatever feels right in my soul.
I wish you all a wonderfully precious day, and I hope you take the time out to appreciate the small things, be kind to yourself and take care no matter where you are.
Brightest Blessings and Love.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
The Real Me
The Real Me...
is stepping out into the early morning light, raising my arms to the sky and feeling the warmth spread over me, covering me, saying "good morning" to me.
is running as fast as I can with a sudden burst of energy out in the cool morning air and feeling the rush of joy of being alive
is stacks and stacks of books that I am slowly savoring and working my way through, although the stack continues to get bigger ;)
is laughing at any and every oppertunity
is DANCING! Feeling the music take over my body and me riding the wave of sound
is my hair long and flowing down my back the way it was while I was pregnant with my daughter (and it will be there again)
is coldplay...period. :)
is having oodles of time to devour a book and soak in the words.
is a large cup of coffee with stevia and a HUGE oatmeal cookie.
is splashing my thoughts, emotions and feelings onto paper.
is self expression.
is painting, losing myself in my art feeling completely calm and serene as I just let the brush and paint meld and work their magic on the canvas.
is surrendering my soul to the God and Goddess in all their forms and feeling the rush of the wind on my face, the grass from the earth under my feet, the cool, fresh water running through my fingers, and the warmth of the sun in my body. Utterly in awe of the blessings they have gifted me.
is holding my daughters loose sleeping form close to me, kissing her head and inhaling deeply her scent. the best smell in the world.
is feeling my husbands arms around me, his face in my hair and our breath in tandem as we go to sleep.
is that first bite of rich chocolate on chocolate cake that my dad makes for me every single birthday.
is mine and my husbands "movie", "A Walk to Remember"
is riding in the car with the windows down in the springtime, early summer days, music filling the air, hand out the window feeling the breeze.
is digging my toes into the sand and hearing the waves crash and water rushing over my toes
is white cotton summer dresses
is dark jeans and t shirts and boots
is candles, oils, incense, herbs and soap
is always and forever my first love...BOOKS. ;)
is joy and a zest for life that I am FINALLY remembering has been with me all this time, and it has recently made itself reknown!
is COLOR! all colors of the rainbow.
is soul-feeding, spiritual music, powerful female and male singer/songwriters.
is meditation, breathing deeply and feeling the sense of peace it gives.
is uninhibited LOVE. plain and simple.
is stepping out into the early morning light, raising my arms to the sky and feeling the warmth spread over me, covering me, saying "good morning" to me.
is running as fast as I can with a sudden burst of energy out in the cool morning air and feeling the rush of joy of being alive
is stacks and stacks of books that I am slowly savoring and working my way through, although the stack continues to get bigger ;)
is laughing at any and every oppertunity
is DANCING! Feeling the music take over my body and me riding the wave of sound
is my hair long and flowing down my back the way it was while I was pregnant with my daughter (and it will be there again)
is coldplay...period. :)
is having oodles of time to devour a book and soak in the words.
is a large cup of coffee with stevia and a HUGE oatmeal cookie.
is splashing my thoughts, emotions and feelings onto paper.
is self expression.
is painting, losing myself in my art feeling completely calm and serene as I just let the brush and paint meld and work their magic on the canvas.
is surrendering my soul to the God and Goddess in all their forms and feeling the rush of the wind on my face, the grass from the earth under my feet, the cool, fresh water running through my fingers, and the warmth of the sun in my body. Utterly in awe of the blessings they have gifted me.
is holding my daughters loose sleeping form close to me, kissing her head and inhaling deeply her scent. the best smell in the world.
is feeling my husbands arms around me, his face in my hair and our breath in tandem as we go to sleep.
is that first bite of rich chocolate on chocolate cake that my dad makes for me every single birthday.
is mine and my husbands "movie", "A Walk to Remember"
is riding in the car with the windows down in the springtime, early summer days, music filling the air, hand out the window feeling the breeze.
is digging my toes into the sand and hearing the waves crash and water rushing over my toes
is white cotton summer dresses
is dark jeans and t shirts and boots
is candles, oils, incense, herbs and soap
is always and forever my first love...BOOKS. ;)
is joy and a zest for life that I am FINALLY remembering has been with me all this time, and it has recently made itself reknown!
is COLOR! all colors of the rainbow.
is soul-feeding, spiritual music, powerful female and male singer/songwriters.
is meditation, breathing deeply and feeling the sense of peace it gives.
is uninhibited LOVE. plain and simple.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I.Am.Me.
It feels as if this has been such a long time coming. I could feel this undercurrent pulling me to start this long before now but it's something that I just "never got around to doing". Not anymore. Its apart of my list of things to accomplish and now is a good a time as any :). So here we go...
My name is Jessica.
I am 23 as of now.
I am married to my first and only love and we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter named Layla. She is our world.
I am working towards "living what I love" and pouring my heart, soul and lifeblood into creating what I love.
I love to create. It is the spark that lights up the world for me. Painting, molding clay, drawing, writing, mixed media, everything.
I have traveled a long soul journey to get to where I am and have encountered many obstacles in the last few years especially, and it feels as if I have been traveling underground in the endless darkness. But I am finally coming up and feeling the warmth of the sun and the breeze on my face. I can feel the fire in myself once again and it feels wonderful.
"Joy" and "Happiness of the Soul" are my mission :).
Expressing myself through creativity and making others feel love and joy and light in themselves and their lives is my passion.
I am a soulfully spiritual person. I believe that all spiritual paths no matter which one follows are the right soul path for that particular person. Like rivers that all lead to the same ocean.
I am enjoying motherhood and watching and learning from my daughter's beautiful soul everything that I need to know about life and love.
I would hope that everyone that comes in contact with me is better for it once they do. Even if it's just to bring a momentary smile to their face or laugh to their hearts.
I want this blog to be an expression of myself and a place to encourage, inspire and just enjoy with others of like interest.
Like everyone I have absolutely beautiful days and days that provide more of a challenge but I strive to find the good and lessons in each one.
I hope to post as regularly as possible and that for those of you that stumble across my space here, enjoy yourselves during your stay and check back often to see what little treasures and tidbit I have to share.
Get comfy, have a cup of something warm and inviting and enjoy...
My name is Jessica.
I am 23 as of now.
I am married to my first and only love and we have a beautiful 6 month old daughter named Layla. She is our world.
I am working towards "living what I love" and pouring my heart, soul and lifeblood into creating what I love.
I love to create. It is the spark that lights up the world for me. Painting, molding clay, drawing, writing, mixed media, everything.
I have traveled a long soul journey to get to where I am and have encountered many obstacles in the last few years especially, and it feels as if I have been traveling underground in the endless darkness. But I am finally coming up and feeling the warmth of the sun and the breeze on my face. I can feel the fire in myself once again and it feels wonderful.
"Joy" and "Happiness of the Soul" are my mission :).
Expressing myself through creativity and making others feel love and joy and light in themselves and their lives is my passion.
I am a soulfully spiritual person. I believe that all spiritual paths no matter which one follows are the right soul path for that particular person. Like rivers that all lead to the same ocean.
I am enjoying motherhood and watching and learning from my daughter's beautiful soul everything that I need to know about life and love.
I would hope that everyone that comes in contact with me is better for it once they do. Even if it's just to bring a momentary smile to their face or laugh to their hearts.
I want this blog to be an expression of myself and a place to encourage, inspire and just enjoy with others of like interest.
Like everyone I have absolutely beautiful days and days that provide more of a challenge but I strive to find the good and lessons in each one.
I hope to post as regularly as possible and that for those of you that stumble across my space here, enjoy yourselves during your stay and check back often to see what little treasures and tidbit I have to share.
Get comfy, have a cup of something warm and inviting and enjoy...
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