I am grateful.

This is something that I wrote back in November 09' of this past year and I thought it relevant to share. I have seen quite similar posts on other blogs and vlogs and thought it would be nice to share. Hope you enjoy.




Today's been a strange day. I started the day out, feeling sorry for myself as I tend to do now and again. I was looking in the mirror at my body, so changed after my pregnancy and bringing Layla into this world. Several times a week, I excercise either running, lifting weights, intensive yoga, or just kick my butt bootcamp like training. But still as I stared at my reflection I saw the lumps and bumps, puckers, and dimples of a body that was taking longer and longer and harder work than I have ever had to put into it in order to mold it into what I wanted it to look like. I frowned. "Will I look like this forever?" "will I ever feel proud of my body again?" The majority of my morning went on as such. As I got dressed, fixed my hair and my makeup, I scrutinized, "my skin is so pale..." " "Do i look pudgy in this shirt?" "I look like a mom in this outfit, not like a trendy 20 something woman" On an on the complaints and negative thoughts filled my mind and the space around me, and I'm sure it was coming off of me in waves of stress and dissatisfaction. I felt my own negativity, just polluting me, I felt a knot in my insides and didn't quite understand why at the moment, but as always hindsight is perfectly 20/20. Layla did not have a good day today. From early this morning she was not feeling well and out of sorts. She fussed through her morning nap she should've been taking, into being hungry and needing to be fed. And on it went for her, crying between feedings and from exhaustion from not napping all day. Finally all that energy hit its crescendo at about supper time. I was fixing supper and went up to check on her because she had been fussing and Chandler had laid down with her to see if she'd nap for a little while. Almost immediately after laying her down in her bassinete, she started crying again and fussing. It was almost more than I could bear. I just wanted to sit in the floor and cry. Chandler was trying to calm my frustration and we were bickering and suddenly we heard a gargling noise and turned quickly to Layla's basinette and she was vomiting and choking. I instantly went into Mom mode and Chandler into Dad mode. Lifting her up, still projectile vomiting I held her close to me, checking her breathing and Chandler swiftling wrapping her up in a blanket and clearing away the soiled things. I carried her quickly to her room, checking her stunned face to make sure she was okay. My heart wrenched for her knowing she had been in pain all afternoon with an upset tummy and I selfishly was thinking of myself and my wardrobe choices. Now I wasn't trading one negative emotion for the other...not self pity for guilt. But as I bathed her and changed her into warm dry jammies, and saw a little smile on her face even though she was feeling badly, my heart just smiled back. I held her after her last bottle as she FINALLY slept in my arms and my mom and I watched CNN Heroes, and all the people they showcased who make such a tremendous difference in others' lives everyday. Enriching and helping those that literally HAVE NOTHING. Coming home after their day job and spending hours EVER DAY cooking huge amounts of food in order to take it to the homeless and hungry, fathering and mothering those who are orphans because their parents were killed in war torn countries, educating children by pushing a trolley filled with a few teaching materials throughout a city, children that play in massive dumps full of trash, debris, glass and disease, and the list just goes on and on. I felt immensely selfish for my comforts and all that I took for granted on a daily basis. I consider myself a giving thoughtful person but today I was humbled. I may not have the latest clothing all the time, I may not have a Victoria's Secret model-like body, I may not even have enough money to make ends meet at times and hospital bills, doctors bills have to be juggled, phones have to be shut off for a while because its a luxury. But my eyes opened to something that for some reason my heart seems to forget on occasion. What I do have in large abundance. I live in a home with my mother, step father, brother, my husband and my daughter, and I am grateful. Some might ridicule for us not having our own place right now, but I am fortunate enough to have a safe, warm, loving place to keep my daughter and be surrounded by my family that loves me. I have a husband who has been through hell and back, trials and tribulations that he may never fully share through his military service and working as hard as he can to support us both and our daughter and give us what we need. A husband that loves me and sees me as not only attractive despite my physical "flaws" but enriched by it because I am the mother of his child. I get to feel his arms around me everyday and snuggle close to him at night. I get to hear his laugh and see him play with our little girl. I get to feel loved and to love in return. I am grateful. I have a mother who has physical ailments that keep her from doing many physical things that she would love to, but she never ceases to do anything and everything to see her children safe happy and taken care of. Even to the point of doing without for herself she gives more freely and openly to others than anyone I have ever known. I have a brother who brings light into my everyday. He is my best friend and makes me laugh more than anyone else. When I'm feeling down or don't want to talk he will just hold me, if I'm crying and tell me he loves me. He truly knows my heart and I don't know where I would be without him. I have sisters that have both been through so much. Both with children they are the warriors, the Amazons that have paved the way and come before me. They impart humor and love and support when its only a female ear that can hear my problems. They are my sisters in flesh and soul and I love them. I have a father who "is being healed" from parkinsons, as he says. He strives and fights his deteriorative disease EVERY DAY. Runing and walking miles around a track or with me around my neighborhood. Even when hes having a "characther building day" as he says, when his leg stiffens up on him and its hard for him to walk or his hand is shaking, he smiles and jokes it away, laughing at himself good naturedly. I have never met anyone as positive and uplifting as that man. He looks his fears straight in the face and says "you will NOT beat me". I have a stepfather and a stepmother that love their stepchildren as if they were their own and how hard it is to come into a pre established family and try and become apart of it, but they did and are parents above and beyond their calling. A man who in his sixties should be thinking about retirement, is getting up at 5 a.m and going to work everyday to support a bustling household. A stepmother with many physical ailments of her own, puts others before herself always and supports my father and my family with all her heart. I have a daughter. The most beautiful little girl that a mother would ever be blessed to bring into this world. She has no physical mal conformities, no mental retardation, no life threatening sickness. She is a healthy happy lovely almost-4 month old. To see her smile every morning as she sees me coming to pick her up out of her basinette with that cheesy toothless grin makes everyday worth it. To hold her as she sleeps and smell her skin, to feel her tiny hands grasp for me and hear her coo and gurgle silly responses at me when i talk to her and see her eyes light up at every new and exciting sound or sight. I am the luckiest mother in the world. And I have a body. I have a fully functioning body. I can walk, talk, speak, see, taste, smell, hear, and touch anything and everything. I can run, I can do pushups, I can stretch and play with my daugher on the rug. I can hug, I can dance, I can laugh and I can cry. The most amazing thing that I have ever done is to create life. MY BODY CREATED LIFE. Life began within me and I carried it for 9 months and bore it into existence. That in itself is AMAZING. I would go through it a thousand times over again to see my daughters face and to hear that little cry for the first time. So never mind the dimples, the pudginess, and the "imperfections" that need to be worked on or toned up. I created a life with my own body and that makes me love it! I am so proud of my body and what it has been able to accomplish, and I thank it for being mine. I only have one in this lifetime so I want to take care of it and treat it with respect.So in turn it has been a strange day. An eye opening and truly humbling one. I hope to not forget too often everything that I am blessed with. And the times when I am feeling sorry for myself or feeling like I drew the short straw, I turn back to this and remember...I am blessed. And I am grateful.