Up to my elbows in realization among other things ;)

The last 2 weeks have been challenging for me, or what my father likes to call "character building days". As I posted before I have been recovering from a cold of some sort and it's still not quite through my system. But this downtime has given me a chance from some serious introspection and a great deal of reflection on certain things in my life and WHY they are apart of my life. And the odd thing is, I have found that somethings that were not apart of my life anymore or not as much as they used to be NEED TO BE, and others that held great sway over my life needed to be cut loose or reduced considerably.

Let me explain.

I have been reading a book en tilted "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. And it has made for a great many interesting conversation starters or blog starters, if you will. It documents the resolutions and goals of Gretchen, the author as she starts a year long journey to find her true form of happiness and researching and discovering a great many venues for happiness all along the way. She breaks her master list down into bite size chunks to be accomplished each month and then adds to them for each month that she continues. I am not finished yet but so far it has been quite eye opening in certain areas. You can visit her blog at www.happiness-project.com and read the most recent posts from Gretchen herself.

Another resource I have been utilizing is other individual blogs and websites of people entirely unique to themselves that seem to be on that same path. Discovering and implementing what makes them happy, and what truly matters in life to them. One that I want to give tremendous recognition to is www.goddessguidebook.com created by Leonie Allan, in which she helps every woman find the true Goddess that she is inside herself. The light that emanates from that woman is so brilliant, you can feel it coming through your computer screen. After reading quite a few blog entries, reading about her Goddess School, seeing her beautiful magical artwork, and watching several videos that she has done, she has truly blown me away. Her intent to help others by helping them see who they truly are inside and that they are more than just a face or a body and that each and every woman has a beautiful Goddess just waiting to be let out is just AMAZING. I admire her so and every time I visit her site, I just feel truly uplifted. There are not enough "Goddess Leonie's" in the world. And I humbly commend her for all that she has done for myself and others' lives that she has surely touched. I have not been able to enroll in one of her Goddess school e-courses yet but hopefully Goddess willing in the future, the funds will be there to allow it. :) I do encourage you to visit her website if you feel so inclined to do so. Once you do you will understand.

My point in listing these two resources of self discovery, is that looking back from my pre-teen adolescence until now at soon to be 24 years of age, married and a mother, there are things that have been lost and certain habits and things that I have adapted into my life that should have never been added. I think that as young girls grow into young women they all transition from toys and dolls, to clothes and boys or something to that effect. And in that transition something gets lost. I feel at that transition time for myself, I didn't even realize I had lost it. Now what is IT? That elusive little "THING" that I keep mentioning. Well some would call it innocence but that seems lacking somehow. I want to say passion but that doesn't seem quite fitting either. Authenticity. That seems to be right. Think back to yourself at 10 years old. What did you like to do after school? Did you take lessons, horseback riding, art, karate, swimming? Did you play outside with friends, siblings, alone? What games did you play? Where you the captain of a pirate ship and your friends were your ship mates and the big oak tree in your yard was the main mast and the tree house the crows nest? What books did you read? Did you like fiction that took you to far off historical places? Or thrillers or diaries? Did you keep a journal? What did you put in it. Did you fill it with honest truths of your world, private thoughts or did you write your own fictional stories, or both? In reflecting on these things, I discovered that I had lost that childish enthusiasm. That passion, that light in my eye of just doing something because I enjoyed it. Of feeling free and open to being EXACTLY me and making no apologies. And it made me sad. That I wasn't even sure WHAT I liked to do anymore. A friend asked me over coffee what hobbies I had, and the question made me stumble. I had no clue. I like to read. That's always been a given. But I couldn't expand on that. I had somehow lost that 10 year old inside me that had such a passion for horses, and books and Harriet the Spy and American Girls, who loved to play outside and climb trees and pretend and lived in the world of her imagination where anything could be possible. And she had been replaced by a woman that had seen to much, sacrificed and painfully grown away from her true self. But I think that, that comes with growing up. Every person adapts "adult" activities, likes, dislikes and forgets the child in themselves. Their authentic self. In discovering all this, I vowed to myself to reawaken that child. Reintegrate that WONDER and PASSION into my life as wife, mother and woman that I had become. From taking time to enjoy playing with toys with my daughter seeing that spark in her eyes, that every day is a new journey to something wonderful, to read her stories of far off make believe worlds. To paint again! To create! Something that I had not done for YEARS. I rediscovered my love of art. And the sense of peace it gave me. I went to the library and promptly checked out a towering stack of books about anything and everything that caught my fancy, (historical fiction being a favorite ;), my mother two steps behind with her stack as well. :D. Rediscovering my love of nature, sitting outside with my morning cup of coffee watching a woodpecker, bang for his breakfast and two little finches, flitting back and forth from branch to branch twittering to each other. I didn't even know that finches lived in my area!! It feels as if I have been ransacking through life with my eyes closed. That I had forgotten to STOP and just breathe the fresh air, to crack open a library book and breath in that musty "book" smell, to eat a piece of chocolate cake and not feel an ounce of guilt, really savoring it, to live life afresh, renewed and remembering who I really am. That I am not just a face, or a body, or a mother, or a wife or a daughter. That I am still that ten year old girl as well.

The key, is to achieve balance. To not only be all that adult things that you must be, but to also indulge the true authentic, unique "REAL YOU" that lives inside. Let her out of that musty old closet filled with old toys and books long forgotten. Shes been patiently waiting for you to remember her...

"Never lose your childish innocence. It is the most important thing." - Under the Tuscan Sun