I Choose.

"Aaaahhhhh..."

That is a sigh of a mama.
A sigh of contentment.
Little one is tucked away in bed finally asleep.
The husband is upstairs, snoozing away, exhausted from a long drill weekend.
And a momma in her craft room, surrounded by books waiting to be read, a fall craft project that I am in the middle of finishing and a steaming cup of tea.
Yea. This is the stuff.

I feel really good right now. In this moment. Very connected. Grounded which I haven't felt in a while. The frazzles I've had definitely could've been contributed to the Mercury retrograde that just wrapped itself up a few weeks ago. But tonight I feel like I am right where I should be.

I've been sitting with things lately. Trying to not fight against the flow of life. If someone says something upsetting to me I don't let it hook me. I just let it flow. If Layla is grumpy and showing it, I let it flow. I remember that I don't have to let other's emotions and negativity become my own. I know that I fall down and make mistakes but I am becoming more and more aware of the lessons these stumbles bring forth.

I can feel a stirring. An awakening beginning that I always feel at this time of year. This is my time of year. I am a fall baby after all. But the cooling of the air, the falling leaves, the scent of wood smoke on the wind, the burnt orange, golden yellow, and deep burgundies of the sunset, all speak to my soul in some way. This season breathes fresh life into me when I feel just about to burn out from all the endless southern heat.

Lately I have had this message coming through to me, a message to take that leap of faith into the unknown. That there will be someone there to catch me. The leap to be free. To dive into the bliss of living a limitless life. To shake off the shackles and free that all that love and joy within me to live this life to the fullest and not let anything stop me. I has struggled in the past, in a victimized state of mind. Letting my relationships to my loved ones, my failures, my situations define and contain me. But I feel something has shifted. I know that I CHOOSE to be happy. To live a life filled with joy. To look at all that I am blessed with, with gratitude. To open my heart to all that abundance and unbridled possibility. It's exhilerating.

I talked to a friend the other day that I haven't talked to in years because of a disagreement that we had, and something that had hurt me deeply. We were very close at a point in our young lives, and she messaged me online just to say hello. And it was like the floodgates opened. I felt this nudge inside me..."talk to her." it said. And I listened. We've exchanged some short conversations so far but have plans to meet soon for a long overdue lunch to really catch up. Our lives have changed so much. We are both married, both have children, I have one, she two. It's just crazy how much time has gone by. And I told myself. I choose forgiveness. I choose joy. I choose daily gratitude. Moment by moment gratitude, in the throws of 2 year old fits over which movie my daughter wants to watch. I choose to be seen. For all my faults and imperfections. For all my beauty and amazing qualities. For my authentic self. For my heart. For my soul. For me.

Just me.

all good things.

Today I am grateful for...

-time to dive into a pile of books that I have been wanting to read, flipping through and just being in love with the words on the page.

-cleaning bit by bit throughout the week and not letting my perfectionism get in the way.

-appreciating creativity and how I have been crafting more and more lately. a habit that I will surely be continuing.

-hearing "hey mommy..." randomly from my little one, and her running to me, hugging me, and then running off to play.

-the boxes of fall decorations that are waiting for me tomorrow. Oh yes. It has begun.

-the smell of fall fully in the air today, the cooling down of the air and the leaves starting to change.

-cinnamon in my coffee.

-laughing so hard on my weekly lunch date with my dad I couldn't catch my breath. I love my time with my Daddy so much.

-the smell of clean laundry, fresh from the dryer.

-hope and possibility. how you can change your perspective at anytime and live a fuller, richer, more joyful life.

-taking the time to appreciate all the little things.

Dance in the wind.

I wanted to share a few things I have been sitting with for the last few days.

I think every mother (and probably every father) at one point or another tries to be "SuperMom" or "SuperDad". Trying to do the right thing, say the right thing, feed your child the right thing, use the right 'gentle parenting' methodology, discipline gently but firmly, all the while trying to keep a spotlessly clean house and fashionably dressed and have all your ducks in a row. You feel constantly like you are on a treadmill you can't get off.

At least that's the way I tend to feel from time to time. Then a realization, a rememberance comes out of the fog and whispers...

"just let go Jess..."

LET GO.

Stop trying to be and JUST BE. Stop trying to make your life into anything and just LIVE IT.

Enjoy it. Take deep breaths. Delight in every bite of food you take. Dance with your daughter to the radio. Read your favorite books until you fall asleep at night. Kiss your husband and feel all those butterflies you felt the first time you kissed him.

LET GO and LIVE.


This is somehting that I have been working with today and just thought that I would share it.

You hold the key to your happiness. The only person standing in your way is you.

Mantra of the day:

I am releasing control.
I am letting go and letting it be.
I am the light. I am the love. I am the flow.

friend.

Hello all :)

I promised birthday party pictures and they are soon to arrive but I had the urge to post this tonight.

Compassion.

I have been facing some shadows with certain family members of mine, and it's been a really rough road. It's a female member of my family who is very dear to me, and it's been very hard for me to try and stay positive and be compassionate towards this person because of this situation. Without giving to many details, because it's a very personal matter, I never realized how my relationship with this person and these trials effected me on such a massive scale.

Lately I have had this feeling.
This craving.
A deep primal urge for a female connection. For a circle, a tribe of women to be surrounded and supported by. To be my strength when I feel weak, and vice verse. Even just one, one true friend who would listen to me ramble, laughing over coffee while our children played, or just letting me cry and just hugging me.

I had this, in high school. When I was younger. A few certain friends and I were inseparable. But life and time have a funny way of putting spaces between you that you can feel like you can't get across. One went off to a different college and is still single and living the young mid 20's life. Another is also married with a little one, and working full time. Several others over time have fallen off after I got married and especially after Layla was born.

I feel like I haven't been able to reconnect in a way on a intimate level with them, although we do our best to keep in touch. Life just flies by and before you know it, you realize your list of friends has dwindled down to less than a few.

I am curious if there are other mothers, women, young women, older women who feel like this.

I feel like lately (and this could be hormones and PMS talking...lol), I could cry at the slightest bit of emotional connection, for the sheer relief of it. That feeling of being supported and cared for by another, of just love untainted. Truth has been moving me so much. Realness. A picture of a woman who obviously has conceived and birthed several children, her open, honesty, of her naked frame, the stretch marks the wrinkled loose skin, age, it literally made my breath catch in my throat.

We need more of this. More exposure. My raw unapologetic truth. We have been spoiled on perfection and it's boring and predictable. And sad. Give me real. Any day.

I send my intention out into the universe that a true female friend will be brought to me when the time is right. Someone to supplement my life. Someone who wants to be friends with me because they genuinely appreciate my company and feel enriched by being close to me as well.

I know these feelings stem from what is going on with said female family member, but I feel like really that just barely scratched the surface of a desire for a connection. The purity of true friendship, intimacy, joy in being around someone that you relate to on so many levels.

These are just some thoughts that have been running around in my mind of late. For those of you reading this, have you ever felt like this? And if you have a female friend in your life whether it be a sister, mother, daughter, or best girlfriend, tell her how much she means to you or better yet show her. I almost wrote to pick up the phone but no...GO. Go see her. Go hug her. Sometimes a hug can mean so much more than the sum of itself.

There are not enough hugs being given.

Give more hugs. And more compassion. And more truth.

Summer Days Short but Sweet

Layla enjoying an ice cream cone. Layla singing into the huge outdoor fan on the deck, hair blowing in the wind :). Little Miss Hollywood. Sweet cousins and their books.
You'll have to excuse the quiet around here.
These are what my days have been made up of lately.
love. love. love.

Layla's birthday is in 21 days so there is party planning going on as well :).
Previews of DIY'd birthday decor are coming soon...
Hope everyone has a fabulous week!

Nourishment.

Things that are nourishing my soul right now.

This lovely woman and her healing blog.

Spaces like these.






This book that I am nearly finished with. It has made so much sense and brought such a feeling of peace to my frazzled mama heart as of late.

creating with your hands.


Can I live in this for the rest of the summer?


Solitude.


What is nourishing you?

Kindness.

Kindness.

A word that can be so loaded. I believe that every person on the face of this earth, regardless of race, religion, sexual preference, etc., desires to feel kindness. Kindness and love. Warmth for another. Connectedness. To not be a alone.

How choices are made, lives changed, based on the loss or gift of kindness and love.

I feel a deep sadness in my heart and have for a while. I feel the pain of others so enormously. The tone of my brother's voice over the phone, calling from North Carolina, living on his own for the first time, the loneliness, the sadness from a recent loss in his life. The pain of watching a loved one struggle through a very difficult change in their life.

My own pain. From events and memories that I didn't realize were still holding me bound. Things that I thought were fading into the dust of history. I feel as if I am grieving. Grieving for what could have been. For the things lost. Needing to cry these things out. The tears to be a balm for old wounds.

I know this post is vague but it's something that I needed to get out.

Hope everyone has a happy weekend and I send you all love.

And kindness.