I am still here.

I'm still here.

Been flowing in and out of this space, in and out of the ebb and flow of life.

Breathing deep and letting what is be what is.

I think I am going to refer to 2013 as my Year of Challenge.

Because that is what has been happening.

A challenge.

The gauntlet has been thrown down at my feet again and again.

Sometimes daily.

And life has asked me to rise up.

Rise up, and meet each challenge.

And I have had a choice to stand, and meet each one head on or run.

And there are days, when everything in me screams to RUN.  To RETREAT.

  To TAKE THE EASY ROAD.

But...then my Spirit, my Soul, my Inner Voice...

nudges me and says...."Rise...Rise my daughter."

"There is a well in you, deeper than you can fathom.  A light so bright it SHATTERS the darkness.  Remember who you are.  And Rise.  Meet the darkness.  For when you do it will flee in the face of your BRILLIANCE.

And so each time I rise.

And sometimes, it's simply a quiet, "I will try again."

And other times, it's a ROAR from deep within the ancient recesses of my beginning.

A roar of "I AM!" claiming my presence.

And the fear is still there.

It's there, floating around me.

But we are no longer at war, fear and I.

Fear has been my teacher.

My guide.

My map through the forest of inauthenticity.

It has been what has shook me awake.

That this is not the time for being faint of heart.

Fear has been the call to take up my bow and arrow and shoot straight into the heart of that darkness.

To shatter it with the brilliance of truth.

Exploding it into a million pieces of stardust.

I thought fear was my enemy.

But it was my soul telling me.

"You can do this."

"You have it within you to move mountains with your loving heart, to shake the earth with your pounding feet in the dance of joy, to fill all the oceans with your tears of vulnerability and truth.

You have it in you to be everything you've been searching for all along.

I am still here.

I have always been here.

I always will be.

 

Just Me.

I feel like me today. 

 The real authentic me.

  And I love her so.

  I love even the inauthentic parts. 

 The parts where I pretend.

  And I hide.

  But today I am really me.

  I am remembering things that I love. 

 Things that I loved when I was a teenager.

  People who inspire me.

  I am realizing somethings today as well.

  That I am an awesome person.

  Not in a "big headed way."  But that for so many years, of abuse and bullshit and feeling so low and losing that spark inside that made me ME.

  I listened to those ugly projective voices. 

 And I have been in it of late in the last few months.

  Digging.  Searching for her again.

  And she's always been here underneath even if I wander in aimless circles searching for her.

  Making apologies for letting her come out to play.

 FUCK THAT.

  I hate that. 

 I am sick of apologizing for her, the real me.

If you love me, you will love all of me.

  I LOVE ME. 

  I made a promise to myself a while back that I would never live a life again that shut her up.

  That stuck her in a corner and told her to be quiet and be NICE. 

 To please everyone else but her.

  FUCK THAT.

  I want a big hot fudge sundae with all the toppings, wearing my prettiest dress, my messy hair everywhere and paint all over my hands dancing to MY favorite music, surrounded by books, talking and laughing too loud and living exactly like I want to.

  Living MY dreams.  BEING EXACTLY WHO I AM. 

  And never making apologies for myself again.

  There is NOT A DAMN THING WRONG WITH ME.

  If someone does not like this REAL ME.

  Then they can go take a long walk off a short fucking pier.

  I have lived for so long afraid.

  Afraid of pissing someone off, of being TOO MUCH for someone and them not liking it.

  For me making a mistake, saying, doing, being the wrong thing.

  I AM DONE.

  From this day forward I am going to love me exactly as I am.

  I am going to affirm this to myself everyday.

  1 million times a day.

  I don't want to live a life with anyone that doesn't love the real me.

  What kind of life is that?

  That's a half life, an in the corner, being nice life.

  And they can fucking keep that.

  I want to LIVE WILD.  TO LIVE JOYFUL.  TO LOVE MYSELF FULLY AND COMPLETELY.  And to give a flying middle finger, smile and a wave to anyone that doesn't like that.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

And I am going to live it, FOR ME.  For just ME.

I can feel it.

So many shifts already.

Breathe in, Breathe out.

Digging deep into the darkest corners.

Places that hurt.  That have been long covered.

Places that in the digging have brought tears.

Tears of a pain that aches so bad at times I want to cry out in agony.

But after the pain.  

The healing.

The salt from my tears washes clean those dark places.

Breaks them open to the light of TRUTH.

I am facing my shadows.

And I am scared out of my mind most of the time.

But I'm feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

I am feeling.

I am experiencing.

I am HEALING.

Moment to Moment.

I am.

I can feel her.

Moving, Speaking, Dancing, Laughing, Crying, Loving

THROUGH ME.

My tears turn into a battle cry.

Because that's where I am.

I am in a battle with FEAR.

The Unknown.  The Lies.  The perceptions.

My inner world is being shaken down and is being reflected outside of me.

I CAN FEEL IT.

It's hard and it hurts.

And it's GLORIOUS.

THE ENERGY IS MOVING.

Places that were stuck are starting to flow, like snow melting into streams.

AND I CAN SEE HER.

MY SOUL.

MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

AND SHE IS SO BRIGHT THAT SHE EXPLODES EVERYTHING AROUND HER INTO STARDUST.

And I know that I am going to be better than okay. 

Better than fine.

I am going to step into exactly who I am.

I will always survive.

I will heal and tell my story.

My journey for all to hear.

I will help them remember.

Moment to Moment.

To never forget who they are.

Who they always have been.

Who I always have been.

You Are.

Time.

It passes.  No matter what we do it always passes.  

It has been a season of releasing.  Of letting go.  And sitting in the stillness of what is.

A dear friend lost her father a few weeks ago.  How something like that can hit you out of the blue.  So many tears shed and blessings poured out onto her and her family in this time of  transition.  

My own release.  

Working to release what doesn't serve me.  

Old thought patterns that drain instead of uplift.

Old energy.  Dragging the proverbial skeletons out of the closet and given them a ritual throwin' out.

It is not an easy or pain free process.

But it is necessary.

Working on not running from discomfort.

But learning to sit with it.  To lean into it.  

To look my fears in the face and embrace them.

Embrace myself.  

With kindness and compassion.

To love myself for all the spaces that I lack and the times when I falter.

Especially for those times.  Because those are the times when it is needed most.

The "new year" is coming.

Shifting.  And change.  

Feeling it.

So in the spirit of the stillness that comes before the doors to a new year are flung wide open.

I finish here for now with this.

Not a resolution.

But a promise to myself.

"Dear Self.  I promise that whatever comes this year, EVERYTHING will be okay.  The joys and 

triumphs.  The lessons and stumbles.  

YOU ARE SUPPORTED.

  YOU ARE LOVED.

  YOU ARE 

WRAPPED IN THE EVER PRESENT LIGHT THAT IS ALWAYS WITHIN YOU.

YOU ARE STRONG.

YOU ARE A GODDESS."

"For I have been with you since the beginning..."

 -the Charge of the Goddess

-

Separate but Parallel.

The weather is changing.

Cool, crisp, golden sunlight mornings.

The first thrill of autumn coming to rest lightly on the world.

My life is changing too.

I've spent the last few weeks on my own.

Separate.

Separate but still in contact with him.  

For our daughter.  At first.  Then some heart felt conversations sprang forth from the chaos.  Realizations that he is having.  About himself.  About us.  About life.  Trying to put the wheels in motion to re-create himself.  To seek out those dark places inside and shed the beautiful light and love of the universe onto them.  Even when it hurts.   Even when it's hard.

Necessary change.

It will be a long time coming if ever and only time will tell, but...a little ribbon of hope has been discovered floating in this autumn wind.

Through major healing.  On my part.  On his part.  Speaking to wise sages who've tread the path we walk.  Who can impart wisdom.  Time apart and space.  Freedom to discover who we are.

We will walk this road.  Separate but parallel.  

And see where we end up.

Trusting the process.  The healing elixir of time.

Blessings to you all and a very Happy Belated Autumn Equinox.

 

It must be the end of the road.

I am going through huge shifts in my life right now.

Everything has changed.

I am now looking at a whole new universe and I just feel overwhelmed.

And for some reason tonight I just feel numb.

I have gone through about 50 bajillion different emotions about it all.

I have been having trouble sleeping.  Which has never been a problem for me.

I don't remember my dreams, but I wake feeling not rested, like I spent all night running.

I don't know when all this will change.  And I will find a new normal.  But for now it's disorienting, liberating, and exhausting.

But I will keep on going.  I will find that new normal.  Because I deserve happiness.  I deserve to live free.  To be myself.  To live from my heart.  And to never ever again settle for less.

"It must be the end of the road.  It must be the end of you and I and forever too.  I'm walking the last bridge alone.  I'm giving up on the good times and the bad we knew."  --Me, Myself and I by: Hanson

I Remember.

Never Let Me Go. 

(open this in an additional window and listen.)

Stream of Consciousness Writing from my journal this morning.

 I Remember.

 I feel awakened.

To live a Spirit filled joyous life.

 Shift your perspective.

 Fill each moment with joy and light and happiness.

 Dance out your emotions.

 LIVE FREE.

 You were ALWAYS FREE.

 You just had to REMEMBER.

 You have ALWAYS been you.

 You have ALWAYS been a Goddess.

 You have ALWAYS been in that ecstatic state.

 Love, Freedom, Joy, Spirit. Have ALWAYS been yours.

 You just needed to REMEMBER.

 No once can hold you down.

 No one has power over you.

 You are a Warrior Goddess.

 You do not have to live shackled.

 You are delivered.

 YOU ARE FREE.