Transformation.

I can feel a change coming.
A good change. I feel the need to cleanse, to purge myself of things that do not serve and begin anew. Exciting things are brewing on the horizon. I will update more on this when I have more time. I can feel the buzz of excitement in the air. The winds of change are blowing...

You and Me. Me and You.

my best friend. my favorite person. my brother.

Joey just being himself...with his lovely lady Andrea

<3

Joe and I on my wedding day.

I have only a little time left to do this.

Today is my brother's 25th birthday. He is in Chicago right now with his sweetheart celebrating and Joey-style I am sure.

Joseph and I are 14 months apart. And we have been THISCLOSE pretty much all our lives together. Never more than 45 minutes away from each other. When he moved to Columbia for a little while I would skip school just to go hang with him for the day. He would take me around to all the best places to eat (He is a future chef and restaurant owner :), and introduce me to all of his musician friends (his other passion MUSIC) and they places they frequented. He's the person I trust to give me a straight answer. The person I know will always have my back. We've had major blowout fights. But made up moments later. I can't imagine my life without him around. We watch our favorite episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000 together and crack up at the dry, backhanded humor and ponder how anyone could not think it's absolutely hilarious. He took me out on my 21st birthday and got me smashed (what he calls a 21st birthday to remember...:/ He's been my shoulder to cry on and I his. We've seen each other through losses and joys. We share the same facial features and same awkwardness. Same love of books, real good coffee, lilting harmonies, singing voices, and dancing skills. He's the kind of person who will dance downtown with me after a few beers, and give the clothing off his back for someone he loves. We've been through thick and thin together. A pair. No distance, time or circumstance will ever change that.

I love you Joe.

Happy Birthday Big Brotha.

Love your Sista.

Newness and Growth.

Good Morning.



I am slowly waking, out of the haze of sleep and sipping my cup o' nectar aka: brewed coffee black with usually stevia but today it's organic blue agave nectar. :D. Gotta change it up and keep it interesting.



I have full intentions to start posting a lot more frequently. Sometimes life just gets so hectic it's hard to have the energy to be introspective and hammer out a blog post but I am going to give it my bloggy loving best and try and post AT LEAST once a week. I feel that if you don't document stuff will just get lost in the span of time. And I want to remember.



So what's been going on in the Lovely Chaos lately you ask? Well...



My best friend Amanda just gave birth to her beautiful baby girl!

Peyton Sawyer came into the world on August 22 2010 at 7:15 p.m

These are some of the photos that were taken at the birth and I took them and edited and enhanced them for her as a gift. Isn't she beautiful? It's so bittersweet. I am so happy for her and her precious new addition, but at the same time there is a feeling of longing and sadness because I know that Layla will never be that tiny ever again. It just reminds me how fleeting life is. And how every single moment should be cherished. I am doing my best to absorb all the adorable goodness that Layla is at this age. She is so curious and into everything. Every morning that I come to pick her up from her crib she pulls up to standing, beams at me and says "Hey!". At almost 13 months she has such an extensive vocabulary. Saying about 16 words so far, I think is a great accomplishment for a baby her age.

Words (or attempts at words) that Layla knows so far:

1. Mama
2. Dada
3. Nana
4. Papa
5. Baby
6. Kitty
7. Pretty
8. Cookie
9. No No (lol.)
10. Hey
11. Bye
12. Nee-Nee (her name for my sister Jenny)
13. Ni (her name for my nephew Nick)
14. BoBo (her stuffed monkey she sleeps with every night...she named him :D)
15. Baba (bottle)
16. bite bite (when she wants to eat)

Words that she's working on but hasn't quite mastered yet lol...

17. Kiss Kiss
18. Duck (she says "Du"... but no ck)
19. Shoes ( she says "Sheesh..lol)
20. Book ( she says "Bu" I think she's working around the "K" sound)
21. Hot (she says "Ha" Every morning when I am having my morning coffee, whenever she's near me, she tries to stick her fingers in my cup, and I am trying to tell her "HOT", I have even touched her little fingers to the side of the mug (no it was not warm enough to burn her), and said HOT. And she'll point her finger at the cup and shake her head "no no".

I was visiting Amanda and Peyton yesterday and just enjoying watching her with her new little one, thinking how much Layla has grown and changed in a year. It's truly remarkable. I remember my first few days at home with her and wondering if I would ever get any sleep ever again, (dramatic I know...) and now Layla is sleeping through the night, mostly, and feeding herself almost exclusively, amusing herself flipping through the pages of her favorite books, pulling up to standing and just growing and changing every single day.

My husband has been in Germany for the last few weeks on a training mission, and I know he's chomping at the bit to get back home. He was teary eyed when he left this time, although he's had to do short 2 week deployments since Layla has been born before. He is not a cryer. I have seen him cry 5 times in the last almost 8 years that we have been together and that included when his grandmother died, when Layla was born, and when we separated for a short while. He held her, dressed in his uniform, telling her "Daddy loves you..." And I could tell he was hurting. He told me "It's harder this time...she's actually going to be aware that I am not here now." He kissed her and handed her to me to go put her down for her nap and turned away and I could see tears in his eyes. I know he feels like he's going to miss so many little moments with her that he can't ever get back. But I do my best to capture them, whether they be on camera, in a photo or writing them down. That is just the price you pay for service to your country.

We have about 1 week left until he'll be on his way home and I am excited! I'm gonna be working to get the house in order before he gets here. Everything kind of borders on chaos when he's gone. I'm lucky if I make it to the end of the day without baby food in my hair, tripping over books and toys, and got a load of laundry done.

Ah what a beautiful life :)
I wouldn't trade it for the world.

As Long As I Am Living My Baby You'll Be...

My thoughts are all ajumble today from all the craziness of the last few days. We celebrated Layla's 1st Birthday on Sunday, August 8th :).

It makes me sad in a way. For all the little moments that I will never get back. She will never be an infant again. She will grow older and grow up into a little girl, into a teenager, into a woman. And there is nothing that I can do to keep her my precious baby forever. But I love each and every moment that I get to spend with her. It is truly a blessing to have her for my daughter. My heart is full and overflowing with love for her. I am so blessed.

Here are some pictures I took of my beautiful girl a few days before her birthday, enjoy...

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away..."

The Unexpected Event of Just Letting Go and Letting Me be..Me. Thank you Ashley Graham.

*Disclaimer* I own none of the photos in this post. They were copied from Google.com. I mean no disrespect in using them. Thank you. :)

This morning I awoke like I always do, got my daughter up and fed her, her breakfast. Still half asleep at this point I bumbled around the kitchen fixing my morning must have coffee with stevia. Layla usually wakes up fairly early so she usually is still sleepy after her morning bottle, so I put her back down to take a quick nap. Retreating back to my "nook", I turned on the computer and started browsing through my usual blog spaces that I love to frequent.

Now before I go any further, let me do a little back tracking over the general, shall we say, "mental space" I have been in for quite some time now. With the exception of a few days of clarity, my mind has been bogged down with a lot of negativity as of late. Negativity about myself. My body. My mind. etc etc. No matter what I did it felt as if all I could focus on was a "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH" mentality. It was like I was punishing myself for something I didn't even do. Now I did not do these things or have these thoughts consciously but, that nasty little, evil voice was there in the back of my mind whispering..."you don't need to eat lunch today...you're too fat to eat..." or "look at all those other mother's who lost weight, toned up and look BETTER than they did before they were pregnant...if you were actually dedicated you could do that..." It has just been an ugly nightmare inside me, eating away at my self confidence. For some reason I think it has just been a long time coming that all of this would come to a head sooner or later. Either with me losing it and just running screaming down the street or entering a moment of peace and enlightenment about myself and the world and space around me.

I have been searching. Searching for validation. Happiness. Acceptance from outside sources, people, magazines, blogs, websites, images. The list goes on. and on. and on. Searching, hoping and waiting for some type of sign or answer that spoke to me, "Jessica, you are beautiful, talented, unique and perfect just as you are. You are loved and appreciated. There is no one else like you. Be free. Love yourself. You now have permission to be happy." Needless to say that didn't really happen. Well not in so many words...

Well this morning began as I said just like many that have come before, and as I was doing my usual browsing I came across the website titled http://www.madisonplus.com/, that featured an article about a young woman that I have grown to admire immensely over the last few weeks. And that beautiful lady is...

Miss Ashley Graham

Now.

I will give you just a minute to pick your chin up off the floor...lol. Not only is the amazing woman physically STUNNING. She is beautiful inside. She is a plus size model who has been popping up everywhere. You may recognize her from the infamous "Banned Lane Bryant commercial!" If you haven't seen it yet, go to youtube and type in her name and Lane Bryant...lol. Spending her free time volunteering in Africa to help the less fortunate, and spreading the message of self acceptance and rocking your curves to other ladies. SHE IS AWESOME!

As I flipped through more of her photos and watched an interview with her, her confidence and happiness just RADIATED. She just seemed so...HAPPY. Happy in her body, her life, and living to help others. This curvaceous beauty is a size 16 and has stated that she has always been voluptuous. Her parents instilled in her early to love and appreciate her body exactly as is. And she has carried that with her to this day. After sitting back for a few moments, absorbing it all, a radical idea toddled into my head.

"...I am going to love my body today."

The voice in my head was not the one I had been hearing for the last several months. It was different. Quiet. But with a definite undercurrent of truth and strength. The kind of presence that doesn't need to be showy or loud to be announced. Instantly I felt lighter. Like I had been carrying an invisible boulder on my back and suddenly realized I could put it down. And when I did step away from the negativity, the world didn't end. No lightening struck. No naysayers were waiting in the wings to ambush me with hateful comments and nastiness that I wasn't good enough to just "love myself for who I am...". I got up to go take a shower and proceeded to undress. Standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, I looked myself over completely and then suddenly started DANCING.

Paying no mind to the moves I was doing, or if I looked goofy. Just DANCED. To no music. And I started laughing. At myself. For wondering why in the world I had been living my life SOSERIOUSLY. I have a fire in me to enjoy everything this life has to offer me, and I am sick of living it according to some self imposed, restrictions and rules. I am healthy. I am active. I am a great mother. I am a great wife ;). I am creative. Ambitious. Driven. Joyous. I AM ALIVE and HAPPY!

I am giving myself permission to be absolutely, unabashedly in love with myself. Sure I will have off days. But all I have to do is come back to those pictures and all the lovely ladies that I look up to, many of whom post blogs themselves. REAL WOMEN. Not some unattainable ideal.

I will not put pressure on myself to be someone I am not. To look like someone I am not.

I will take care of myself. I will love my body, ESPECIALLY the parts that are a little tougher to love. I will dress for my body and be proud. I will be gentle with myself. Rest when I need rest. Move when I need movement. Eat when I am hungry. Meditate, pray, connect with the God and Goddess when I need spiritual nourishment.

I. WILL. BE. ME.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

The Awakening. Beautiful things are in motion.

New things are brewing underneath.

I wonder if it's the waxing moon. I'll bet.

I have been peeking into the lives of two of my favorite bloggers that I have only come across within the last 6 months. Boho girl Denise over at http://bohophotography.blogspot.com, is just a beautiful, groovy, peaceful, earth mother Goddess wit her sweet beautiful son Cedar and awesome hubby Boho Boy :) She is an outstandingly beautiful photographer. Her photos of little moments with her family bring tears of beauty and joy to my eyes. If you haven't been fortunate enough to stumble upon her space just yet, take a little mosey (did I spell that right?) on over there and bring along a cup of your favorite yummy nectar and sit a spell. Bask in the glow of her wonderfulness. Another lady of great esteem to me, is Aura who through her writing and photography of her own life, has literally touched my soul. I have only recently unearthed her blog and am so grateful I have. She has written some of the most profound material I have EVER read. She is so humble and honest, open and in touch with her truth and light. Please go check her out if you get the chance at http://aurajoon.blogspot.com.

These ladies have truly peeled back some layers for me lately and I feel through reading through their thoughts and experiences that it has touched on something deep and flowing in my soul. A truth. An inner knowing.

Deep deep liquidy pools of consciousness and spiritual thought provoking as of late. Where I want to go in this life. Feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness at what I have been blessed with and so much that I want to experience. It's like in my mind's eye I see myself in an open natural space, a Navajo desert with cool crisp air or mountainside cliffs or at the precipice of an ocean with my arms outstretched, screaming my soul out to the world, wanting to experience this entire existence and all it's wonders.

I feel this sense of some thing's coming.

Something big. Changes.

They feel important. Strong.

But they feel happy and good.

I don't know what they will be or what they will mean for me, but I feel light all around me enveloping me. I feel in my body right now. I feel my soul glowing. And it feels wonderful.

An awakening has been set in motion.

These quotes from Aura's blog struck a chord with me and I just thought that I would share it.

"Over the last few months I've talked a lot about finding the "old me." A big part of that was re-learning to not be so vain, self centered, shallow, hungry for possessions, and full of anger towards a life I'd lost control of. One day I woke up and decided that I was going to find me, again." ( Aura quoted from http://aurajoon.blogspot.com)

I feel like I have been doing this in my own life as of late. Searching for myself again. Not trying to necessarily create myself but rediscover her.

I'll leave off on this second quote from Aura's blog. Beautiful, simple, and full of light. These two ladies are truly an inspiration and I just want to say to both Denise and Aura.

THANK YOU. You have been such a deep, soulful inspiration to me and continue to shine a light into my life through your sharings, of words and love of life. THANK YOU.

"To me, the meaning of life is to love. Share love, give love, feel love. Love your life, the people in it, the things you do, your job. Give the benefit of doubt. Love strangers, love everyone. Why not? "

Time is fleeting, but my love for you is forever.

11 months ago to the day.

1 more month exactly until it's been a year.

At this time on that day, i would've been resting in post labor exhaustion and blissed out brand new motherhood.

I have this sensation as of late, like i am trying to desperately hold onto a handful of water. futile i consciously know, but yet i grasp at the drops flowing through my fingers.

She grows each and everyday. ever changing. evolving into her own person. absorbing her surroundings, reacting in joy, sadness, frustration and awe.

Funny how it really seems as if at times you suddenly realize you are in the middle of massive body of water and the the smallest ripple, flows out and effects everything else. boundless.

I have this feeling like I cannot hold onto her.

Her baby moments.

Her newness to everything.

I already miss her.

And she isn't even gone.

I just know that it will all continue to forever change. She will grow up. She will fall down. She will get hurt. She will get back up and she will keep on playing. She will go to her first day of school. She will experience joys and fears. She will go on her first date. She will fall in love. She will have her heart broken. She will mend it. She will move forward. And on and on it will go.

If she knows nothing else but this, I will be happy.

That from the moment that the doctors placed you on my chest, the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, I have never been more in love. I have never felt more pure joy then seeing your precious face and hearing that sweet cry. From the first time your eyes met mine, to now hearing you say "Mama.." and hold out your hands expectantly for me to pick you up and hold you close.

I breathe you in every time I hold you, trying to commit your scent to memory. I wish I could freeze time and let us just stay here suspended. It's a bittersweet journey, to watch your baby grow bigger and change from moment to moment.

Bittersweet and Beautiful.

And I cherish, every. single. moment.