As Long As I Am Living My Baby You'll Be...

My thoughts are all ajumble today from all the craziness of the last few days. We celebrated Layla's 1st Birthday on Sunday, August 8th :).

It makes me sad in a way. For all the little moments that I will never get back. She will never be an infant again. She will grow older and grow up into a little girl, into a teenager, into a woman. And there is nothing that I can do to keep her my precious baby forever. But I love each and every moment that I get to spend with her. It is truly a blessing to have her for my daughter. My heart is full and overflowing with love for her. I am so blessed.

Here are some pictures I took of my beautiful girl a few days before her birthday, enjoy...

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away..."

The Unexpected Event of Just Letting Go and Letting Me be..Me. Thank you Ashley Graham.

*Disclaimer* I own none of the photos in this post. They were copied from Google.com. I mean no disrespect in using them. Thank you. :)

This morning I awoke like I always do, got my daughter up and fed her, her breakfast. Still half asleep at this point I bumbled around the kitchen fixing my morning must have coffee with stevia. Layla usually wakes up fairly early so she usually is still sleepy after her morning bottle, so I put her back down to take a quick nap. Retreating back to my "nook", I turned on the computer and started browsing through my usual blog spaces that I love to frequent.

Now before I go any further, let me do a little back tracking over the general, shall we say, "mental space" I have been in for quite some time now. With the exception of a few days of clarity, my mind has been bogged down with a lot of negativity as of late. Negativity about myself. My body. My mind. etc etc. No matter what I did it felt as if all I could focus on was a "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH" mentality. It was like I was punishing myself for something I didn't even do. Now I did not do these things or have these thoughts consciously but, that nasty little, evil voice was there in the back of my mind whispering..."you don't need to eat lunch today...you're too fat to eat..." or "look at all those other mother's who lost weight, toned up and look BETTER than they did before they were pregnant...if you were actually dedicated you could do that..." It has just been an ugly nightmare inside me, eating away at my self confidence. For some reason I think it has just been a long time coming that all of this would come to a head sooner or later. Either with me losing it and just running screaming down the street or entering a moment of peace and enlightenment about myself and the world and space around me.

I have been searching. Searching for validation. Happiness. Acceptance from outside sources, people, magazines, blogs, websites, images. The list goes on. and on. and on. Searching, hoping and waiting for some type of sign or answer that spoke to me, "Jessica, you are beautiful, talented, unique and perfect just as you are. You are loved and appreciated. There is no one else like you. Be free. Love yourself. You now have permission to be happy." Needless to say that didn't really happen. Well not in so many words...

Well this morning began as I said just like many that have come before, and as I was doing my usual browsing I came across the website titled http://www.madisonplus.com/, that featured an article about a young woman that I have grown to admire immensely over the last few weeks. And that beautiful lady is...

Miss Ashley Graham

Now.

I will give you just a minute to pick your chin up off the floor...lol. Not only is the amazing woman physically STUNNING. She is beautiful inside. She is a plus size model who has been popping up everywhere. You may recognize her from the infamous "Banned Lane Bryant commercial!" If you haven't seen it yet, go to youtube and type in her name and Lane Bryant...lol. Spending her free time volunteering in Africa to help the less fortunate, and spreading the message of self acceptance and rocking your curves to other ladies. SHE IS AWESOME!

As I flipped through more of her photos and watched an interview with her, her confidence and happiness just RADIATED. She just seemed so...HAPPY. Happy in her body, her life, and living to help others. This curvaceous beauty is a size 16 and has stated that she has always been voluptuous. Her parents instilled in her early to love and appreciate her body exactly as is. And she has carried that with her to this day. After sitting back for a few moments, absorbing it all, a radical idea toddled into my head.

"...I am going to love my body today."

The voice in my head was not the one I had been hearing for the last several months. It was different. Quiet. But with a definite undercurrent of truth and strength. The kind of presence that doesn't need to be showy or loud to be announced. Instantly I felt lighter. Like I had been carrying an invisible boulder on my back and suddenly realized I could put it down. And when I did step away from the negativity, the world didn't end. No lightening struck. No naysayers were waiting in the wings to ambush me with hateful comments and nastiness that I wasn't good enough to just "love myself for who I am...". I got up to go take a shower and proceeded to undress. Standing naked in front of the bathroom mirror, I looked myself over completely and then suddenly started DANCING.

Paying no mind to the moves I was doing, or if I looked goofy. Just DANCED. To no music. And I started laughing. At myself. For wondering why in the world I had been living my life SOSERIOUSLY. I have a fire in me to enjoy everything this life has to offer me, and I am sick of living it according to some self imposed, restrictions and rules. I am healthy. I am active. I am a great mother. I am a great wife ;). I am creative. Ambitious. Driven. Joyous. I AM ALIVE and HAPPY!

I am giving myself permission to be absolutely, unabashedly in love with myself. Sure I will have off days. But all I have to do is come back to those pictures and all the lovely ladies that I look up to, many of whom post blogs themselves. REAL WOMEN. Not some unattainable ideal.

I will not put pressure on myself to be someone I am not. To look like someone I am not.

I will take care of myself. I will love my body, ESPECIALLY the parts that are a little tougher to love. I will dress for my body and be proud. I will be gentle with myself. Rest when I need rest. Move when I need movement. Eat when I am hungry. Meditate, pray, connect with the God and Goddess when I need spiritual nourishment.

I. WILL. BE. ME.

NO EXCEPTIONS.

The Awakening. Beautiful things are in motion.

New things are brewing underneath.

I wonder if it's the waxing moon. I'll bet.

I have been peeking into the lives of two of my favorite bloggers that I have only come across within the last 6 months. Boho girl Denise over at http://bohophotography.blogspot.com, is just a beautiful, groovy, peaceful, earth mother Goddess wit her sweet beautiful son Cedar and awesome hubby Boho Boy :) She is an outstandingly beautiful photographer. Her photos of little moments with her family bring tears of beauty and joy to my eyes. If you haven't been fortunate enough to stumble upon her space just yet, take a little mosey (did I spell that right?) on over there and bring along a cup of your favorite yummy nectar and sit a spell. Bask in the glow of her wonderfulness. Another lady of great esteem to me, is Aura who through her writing and photography of her own life, has literally touched my soul. I have only recently unearthed her blog and am so grateful I have. She has written some of the most profound material I have EVER read. She is so humble and honest, open and in touch with her truth and light. Please go check her out if you get the chance at http://aurajoon.blogspot.com.

These ladies have truly peeled back some layers for me lately and I feel through reading through their thoughts and experiences that it has touched on something deep and flowing in my soul. A truth. An inner knowing.

Deep deep liquidy pools of consciousness and spiritual thought provoking as of late. Where I want to go in this life. Feeling an overwhelming sense of gratefulness at what I have been blessed with and so much that I want to experience. It's like in my mind's eye I see myself in an open natural space, a Navajo desert with cool crisp air or mountainside cliffs or at the precipice of an ocean with my arms outstretched, screaming my soul out to the world, wanting to experience this entire existence and all it's wonders.

I feel this sense of some thing's coming.

Something big. Changes.

They feel important. Strong.

But they feel happy and good.

I don't know what they will be or what they will mean for me, but I feel light all around me enveloping me. I feel in my body right now. I feel my soul glowing. And it feels wonderful.

An awakening has been set in motion.

These quotes from Aura's blog struck a chord with me and I just thought that I would share it.

"Over the last few months I've talked a lot about finding the "old me." A big part of that was re-learning to not be so vain, self centered, shallow, hungry for possessions, and full of anger towards a life I'd lost control of. One day I woke up and decided that I was going to find me, again." ( Aura quoted from http://aurajoon.blogspot.com)

I feel like I have been doing this in my own life as of late. Searching for myself again. Not trying to necessarily create myself but rediscover her.

I'll leave off on this second quote from Aura's blog. Beautiful, simple, and full of light. These two ladies are truly an inspiration and I just want to say to both Denise and Aura.

THANK YOU. You have been such a deep, soulful inspiration to me and continue to shine a light into my life through your sharings, of words and love of life. THANK YOU.

"To me, the meaning of life is to love. Share love, give love, feel love. Love your life, the people in it, the things you do, your job. Give the benefit of doubt. Love strangers, love everyone. Why not? "

Time is fleeting, but my love for you is forever.

11 months ago to the day.

1 more month exactly until it's been a year.

At this time on that day, i would've been resting in post labor exhaustion and blissed out brand new motherhood.

I have this sensation as of late, like i am trying to desperately hold onto a handful of water. futile i consciously know, but yet i grasp at the drops flowing through my fingers.

She grows each and everyday. ever changing. evolving into her own person. absorbing her surroundings, reacting in joy, sadness, frustration and awe.

Funny how it really seems as if at times you suddenly realize you are in the middle of massive body of water and the the smallest ripple, flows out and effects everything else. boundless.

I have this feeling like I cannot hold onto her.

Her baby moments.

Her newness to everything.

I already miss her.

And she isn't even gone.

I just know that it will all continue to forever change. She will grow up. She will fall down. She will get hurt. She will get back up and she will keep on playing. She will go to her first day of school. She will experience joys and fears. She will go on her first date. She will fall in love. She will have her heart broken. She will mend it. She will move forward. And on and on it will go.

If she knows nothing else but this, I will be happy.

That from the moment that the doctors placed you on my chest, the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on, I have never been more in love. I have never felt more pure joy then seeing your precious face and hearing that sweet cry. From the first time your eyes met mine, to now hearing you say "Mama.." and hold out your hands expectantly for me to pick you up and hold you close.

I breathe you in every time I hold you, trying to commit your scent to memory. I wish I could freeze time and let us just stay here suspended. It's a bittersweet journey, to watch your baby grow bigger and change from moment to moment.

Bittersweet and Beautiful.

And I cherish, every. single. moment.

Fall Back Into the Flow

Sigh.....:)

Today has been a very roller coaster like day. What started off tumultuous, with harsh words and hurt feelings is coming to a close with me relaxed and feeling comforted in "my place". My chair in the corner with my desk and my books and my music.

I love listening to the beautiful voices of such powerful, strong, gorgeous women. Favorites that seem to be in constant rotation are India Arie, Alanis Morissette, Sarah McLachlan, Jewel, Caitlin Crosby and Colbie Caillat. It truly stirs my soul to hear women speak from the hearts and transfer it over through music and song. I feel the Goddess within me stir and I just want to sing out or move my body.

I am so grateful tonight.

For my space
my beloved books
my music
dancing
feeling the rhythm and music moving through my body
peace of mind
realization and truth
coming back to myself
feeling the love of the Goddess and God/Great Spirit

I AM TRULY BLESSED.

My emotions have been taking me on a ride lately, from wanting to cry, to melancholy, to fear, to happiness, joy, and peace of mind. Some moments feel so hard and others feel like true pieces of heaven.

I hope that when I feel overwhelmed I can come back to my blessings and the love in my life.

I want to surrender to the flow and stop fighting it. Let go of the desire to control and just let it ride.

Take a deep breath in, exhale and trip and fall on your face :)

Do you ever feel like you are trying to ride the ebb and flow of the tide but you just can't quite catch the wave? That's kind of where I am at right now. I am a fairly novice practitioner of yoga but have a deep desire to become truly proficient at it one day and possibly teach it. So I have been practicing...everyday. And I enjoy it immensely! But I notice some days that my sense of balance and my center is thrown and during balance postures, I have a hard time, wobbling and falling out of poses that are most days easy or fairly easy to hold. I try again, focusing myself, finding my center, rooting into the ground and breathing but still there is that annoying wobble in my standing leg. But I continue to persevere and push forward through the motions until the end regardless of my trouble with control and my "monkey mind" when my thoughts run wildly.

No I am not a perfect yogini. I don't think I will ever be, and that's perfectly fine with me. But I would like to strive to be better at my practice and to one day have enough experience to hopefully teach. I would love to help others bring happiness, joy and balance into their lives, and I feel that want stems from me needing my own balance, and joy and happiness dose as well. :)

Okay now for a question for all you yoga practitioners out there or just for those of you who have an opinion you would like to share on this. Lately the muscles in my neck, on either side feel extremely tense and stressed for no reason at all. I am not flexing them or straining them but yet they remain rigid. And I have a really hard time relaxing them. Do you know the feeling when you feel like you are about to cry and the muscles in your face kind of tense...like that. I do not know if it is anxiety, and if it is, how can I remedy it? If anyone would like to weigh in that would be WONDERFUL!

Hopefully I can continue to progress on my yoga journey and in a few years be the one on the other end giving the advice on how to relax and de stress! :)

thoughts of the day.

Things that I am grateful for today, and everyday.

1. My daughter

She is the light in everything I do. Just waking up every morning to her smiling face is the most wonderful gift that I could have ever been graced with.

2. My husband

He is the most wonderful father. He loves Layla more than anything and has turned into such a wonderful husband and such a good man. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. He loves me for exactly who I am.

3. My body and all that it is capable of.

That although my body isn't perfect, I don't want it to be. There is no "perfect" caliber at which to judge anyone's body. All bodies are beautiful and divine in their own right. They should be cherished, nourished, and loved.


I believe that is all for today.